


Something to Remember

by Fedu31, Zamo95



Category: RuPaul's Drag Race (US) RPF
Genre: 1950s, 1960s, Alternate Universe - Boarding School, Angst, Catholic School, F/F, First Kiss, First Love, First Time, Fluff and Smut, Forbidden Love, Forgive Me, Friends to Lovers, Happy Ending, Then Enemies to Lovers, kat is an art teacher, omg they were roommates, they met again lol, throwbacks, trix is a hairdresser
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-06
Updated: 2021-03-14
Packaged: 2021-03-17 17:01:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 28,633
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29228886
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fedu31/pseuds/Fedu31, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zamo95/pseuds/Zamo95
Summary: 1966: Trixie is trying to change her life from her past bad decisions, but there’s something that still doesn’t leave her mind after all of those years: Katya.Katya seems to have her life in control, but suddenly the memories of her past are coming back, waking up all of those bittersweet emotions. Seeing Trixie again would intensify those feelings of a love that couldn't be.
Relationships: Trixie Mattel/Katya Zamolodchikova
Comments: 64
Kudos: 47





	1. Nightmare

**Author's Note:**

> Hii hello hii, this is a project that me and Fedu started last year, and we're finally posting it! This is what happens when two chaotic latinas get together and write drama, conflama and a litteral telenovela. Thank you [Galaxybrunost505](https://archiveofourown.org/users/galaxybrunost505/pseuds/galaxybrunost505) for being our editor! Enjoy!

**1959:**

_She closed the door with barely no effort, leaving sister Mary’s office. Her feet started to move somehow, by their own accord. She walked through those corridors that felt grey and cold, her feet stomping, making her feel that every footstep was louder and louder as she continued._

_Her body was numb, her mind was confused, her world was crushed and it just took a second for that to happen. She just wanted to get out of here, to disappear._

_She turned around the corner, heading towards her bedroom, her head hanging low. Thank god her friends weren’t there. She hoped she wasn’t ther-_

_“Katya!” Suddenly a desperate voice called her. She knew it was Trixie, she was approached by her, who seemed to be waiting for her outside of their room. Katya avoided looking at her, she was pissed, and that was a gentle way of explaining how she really felt. The Midwestern tried to stop her, grabbing her left arm._

_“Leave me alone,” she said with barely any energy in her voice, but Trixie didn’t listen._

_“Kat, listen to me...I swear it wasn’t my intention to say that. I was just nervous and I couldn't stop it…” The Russian stopped on her tracks and dared to gaze at her with anger. Trixie was crying, but she didn’t care at this point. She was fucked._

_“Of all the things that you could have said, that’s what you came up with?! Instead of making an excuse, you threw me under the fire?!” She was raising her voice, and her chest was moving so fast from her irregular breathing._

_The girl with the brown eyes was shaking, and she looked a mess. “I know, I know, I’m so sorry Kat…”_

_“I don’t need you to be sorry, thanks to all of this I’m getting expelled!” The girl in front of her had her eyes widen in surprise, it seemed that she didn’t expect that._

_“What?! No, Kat, no, no, no… You can’t leave me!” Her voice cracked as she cried even more, almost hysterically._

_“Yekaterina!” Suddenly, sister Mary appeared, her face red from anger, scaring both girls. “I told you that you should pack your stuff, you parents are coming to pick you up!”_

_“Yes, sister Mary,” she responded with a defeated tone in her voice. Trixie’s eyes were on her, she could feel her intense gaze._

_As she was about to move again, the Midwestern grabbed her by the wrist. “Wait… Kat-”_

_“Beatrice! What are you doing? Come here, we have to talk!” The Principal demanded with her severe tone again._

_She freed herself from Trixie’s grip, yanking her arm away from her. “Stop calling me Kat. Don’t ever talk to me again,” she almost shouted at her. It was barely less than a second but when she met her eyes, her gaze said it all. Both of their hearts were breaking and she wanted her to know how it felt, how much it hurt what she did to her. Trixie Mattel you gave me heaven but you also made me taste hell._

_“Beatrice!” The nun shouted this time, and the girl jumped in front of her. She headed towards her room, giving her back to her. Closing the door with force behind her: boom._

**1966**

A loud gasp filled the silence of the room. She felt that she was drowning, there was no air in her lungs. Katya sits up on the bed with a big shock. 

It was just a dream, an ugly nightmare. She laid her hand on her chest, feeling her heart rate. That was a relief, she was in her apartment, in her bed. She wasn’t eighteen anymore, she was an adult. She was twenty-five now. Thank god. 

After she took a couple of minutes to calm down, her body left the mattress just to look for a glass of water. That would certainly help with her sudden nervousness. She gulped it fast and went back to her bed, since it was four o’clock in the morning. 

She accommodated herself under the covers and closed her eyes, trying to sleep again. When her head hit the pillow a name was resonating in her mind: _Trixie, Trixie, Trixie_. Her eyes opened wide again. Fuck. She was avoiding thinking about that dream. It felt so real that she almost believed for a second that she was in high school again. Of all the memories that her brain could have brought back, it had to choose the last time that she saw Trixie. Well, Beatrice. 

It was incredible how clearly she saw her honey eyes that were watery and almost red from all the crying in that awful afternoon. Her golden hair, her delicate nose, her full and rosy lips stuttering… Pleading her again and again. It was almost like looking at her face once again. She hadn't dreamed or thought about her in a long time, maybe years. But tonight Katya saw her like she was right next to her, she could almost feel her if she wanted to. She visibly swallowed and the skin on her arms had goosebumps. This was a waste of time. It was so long ago, she never heard about her again and it was just a ghost from the past. Yes, a ghost that was here to terrorize her in her sleep. Trixie was a bad memory, probably the worst one for her. She represented the hardest storm that she ever had to deal with. 

She tossed and turned on her bed, annoyed and snarling like an old man. She had to wake up early for work and the reason behind her restless night was _her_ , it irked Katya.

She had become an art teacher at a public school in Chicago, and had decided to stay in the city after college. Lucky for her, she had found a position teaching kids in elementary school. She had started with the kids of fourth and fifth grade. 

After hours of insomnia, the alarm of her clock blasted the familiar sound. She turned it off with laziness in her movements. She was already starting the day awfully with barely any energy, and that was not something that she could lack when she had to work with kids. She needed coffee right now, a lot of coffee.

The morning was pretty cold, fall was starting sooner than expected, she thought to herself as she walked half sleep to the school. Last night had rained, and the wind was making her shiver, cursing at herself for not wearing a coat that was warm enough for today. 

Somehow she found the energy that she needed to start her classes. Maybe the kids helped in that, and they always made the morning shorter for her. Years ago she would have bet that working with kids would be the worst thing ever, since it wasn’t her forte, but it was a surprise for her when she discovered that wasn’t the case. She actually enjoyed it after all.

As always, the morning went by fast, and when she least expected it, she was eating lunch with the other teachers at the cafeteria. Even though most of them were nice, she couldn’t relate to them at all. All of them were married, obviously straight, and some with children. Katya stood out from all of them, not only thanks to her clothes, but her way of thinking, her taste in music, and her love for art. Everyone always asked if she had a boyfriend, or if she wanted one and she had always to stop herself from giggling at it, and giving them a standard reply instead of saying that only girls were in her heart.

But, she was alone for now. She didn’t have a girlfriend, not that it was easy to find one in these times but, she didn’t want one either. Love wasn’t something for her, as a matter of fact she believed that it didn’t exist. It was an invention, filled with the desire of having someone and it could blind you at first, but it never lasted forever as they always advertised in the movies and books. Falling in love was a waste of time, having a relationship was a waste of time, being married was a waste of time. 

Love was cruel and deceiving, it could tear you apart as easily as ‘falling in love’, so she wasn’t interested in having someone by her side. Of course she wasn’t completely alone, from time to time she had her nights of ‘fun’ with beautiful women, filled with lust and nothing else. No attachments. They would always leave the next day and she would find another one to spend the night with. 

When she was young, she used to think very differently. She believed in love, and she wished to find the ‘love of her life’ someday. Her soulmate. But soon reality gave her a slap in the face and made her realize that life is not like that, like a fairy tale where everyone got their happy ending. 

**1959**

“ _Ladies, we should recall the subjects that we had last year before we’ll start with new content…_ ” Sister Cecilia initiated her math class. Katya was already out of it, her mind was anywhere else than here. She despised maths, it was definitely not her forte. Her gaze was fixed on her pencil case, thinking about anything and nothing at the same time.

Another year of school had just started, it was the first day of her last year in this Catholic boarding school. Woodlands Academy of the Sacred Heart was an interesting place, she could say so. Sometimes it was tolerable, thanks to her friends; other times it was annoyingly boring. It simply didn't help that she was seen as the ‘rebel girl’ in the school by her teachers, the nuns and even her family. If being a rebel for using her skirt a little bit higher than the rest of the student body, if painting her nails with red nailpolish and discussing the tribulations about catholicism with Sister Magdalene was considered being a ‘bad girl’, then she was. 

There was something else about her that could be considered scandalous and it was a ‘holy’ secret for her and that no one knew: she loved girls. It was funny when her parents thought that sending her to this institution would ‘correct’ her from her ‘bad behavior’ - which consisted in her fighting with boys every time they made comments about her body - at her old school. In some ways, she was glad to be in all-girls school, and she didn't have to deal with pretentious guys like in the past. 

Although it was unfortunate that she didn’t have a roommate in her dormitory, even though she liked the moments that she had to be on her own. It definitely made her stay in this institution even more monotonous. From time to time she would tell herself that it was better to be alone than sharing a bedroom with goodie-two shoes that could annoy her to the core. Not only that, but when she visited her friends, the nuns could be a little bit strict with them and not let them hang out at all in their dormitories. So yeah, that sucked.

Speaking of, her group of friends consisted of Violet, the bratty and bitchy girl who was never caught in her antics and liked to gossip a lot; Bianca, who was so blatant and could tear you down in seconds - she liked to say that the both of them were the funny ones in their group -; Adore, who was one of the laziest people that she had ever met, but she was pretty cool and popular in the school. Nevertheless, she and her friends had fun at times, sneaking out, smoking - mostly her - and sharing teen magazines, which the nuns hated to see catch them reading in class. Still, most of the time, she was the one who got caught and that's how she got that fame. She, out of all her friends, was probably doing the worst job at being stealthy. 

Suddenly, a knock on the door of the classroom caught her attention and took her out of her trance. It was Sister Mary that interrupted their lecture. She was in charge and the principal of the school. 

“Good morning ladies! Sorry sister Cecilia for interrupting your class, but we have a new student that's going to join us. Come in Beatrice, don't be shy…” Quickly she glanced at her right to Violet and she had a curious look as well. Usually, having a new classmate was the most interesting thing that could happen in their boring daily life.

Then, the new student entered the room and her mind went blank for a second. It was like Jayne Mansfield just entered the classroom and her heart started to palpitate at an incredible speed. 

The beautiful morning light that the sun cast on the room was shining on her skin as the girl stood nervously in front of her classmates and beside Sister Cecilia. She was a little bit taller than the nun. The blue navy uniform fit her perfectly and it didn’t even hide her curvaceous body. 

“Hi, my name is Beatrice Mattel.” That was the only thing that the girl dared to say, clearly intimidated at the situation. So, Sister Mary continued for her. 

“She’s from Wisconsin and she is going to share this last year with you girls. I hope that you'll be kind to Beatrice and show some hospitality.” As always, the entire class said ‘Yes, Sister Mary’. When she thought that the older nun was about to go, she suddenly called her name. 

“Katya,” in the blink of an eye, everyone was looking at her and she was stunned. “After class I want to see you in my office”. She was blushing now in shame, mortified. ‘ _What did I do now_?’, she thought to herself. 

“Yes, Sister Mary,” she automatically confirmed. The woman nodded and left the room. Quickly, the silence creeped in the class, until sister Cecilia talked again to the new girl that was standing awkwardly in front of the room. 

“Beatrice, you can sit over there, next to Katya.” The girl shyly nodded and the Russian felt nervous again. ‘ _She's going to sit beside me, she's going to sit beside me_ ’, her mind repeated over and over. She was trying not to freak out over her, but this perfect girl was coming towards her and she couldn't help but watch her perfect brown eyes. For a few seconds their gaze met, so she looked down feeling so flustered. 

When Beatrice sat down and started to make herself comfortable in her individual seat, Katya was tempted to watch her from time to time. The new classmate was probably the most girly and femenine young woman that she had ever seen. From her perfectly styled hair, to her small accessories, even her bag and her pencil case had the same color: pink. The Russian was so fascinated that she could watch her for hours. 

Forget Jayne Mansfield, the actress had nothing on her. Beatrice had beautiful golden blonde hair, long feathery eyelashes, plump rosy lips, adorable cheeks that she wanted to touch so badly and those beautiful light brown eyes that had her over the moon. 

“Hi,” she timidly said to Katya. All of the sudden she realized how much she had been watching her like a creep. The girl had caught her staring at her and she had to say something. The Russian was blushing again from embarrassment. 

“Hi , my name is Katya,” she whispered, so the nun wouldn't hear them. 

“I know…” A sly smile was on the Midwestern’s face. 

“Quiet ladies!” The Russian was startled by their teacher, so she quickly had her eyes on her paper. She wished to have her gaze on somewhere else… Or someone else. 

***

When the class ended and Sister Cecilia had long gone, her friends quickly approached her.

“What the hell was that?” Violet asked, as intrigued as the other ones. 

“Yeah what did you do now?” Adore continued. Now that the gossip had started, she was fully awake and with energy when it came down to this. 

“I don’t know, I was as surprised as you girls…” She commented, a little bit anxious now at the prospect of being reprimanded. Involuntarily, her eyes searched for the new blonde. She was now talking to Kim. She wished that she could approach her and try to get to know her but now she had to leave. 

“Let’s go girls, we should let her go and talk to that old skeleton,” Bianca joked and she stood up, gathering quickly her stuff.

A few minutes later she was outside the nun’s office and she knocked. She heard a ‘Come in’ from the elder woman. She entered the room and stood beside the door.

“Hi Katya, come sit. I’m not going to take that much time from you…” The girl nodded, obeying what Sister Mary commanded. “Don’t worry, I’m not going to lecture you about anything.”

“Okay…” With that she was so relieved, but she was so curious still.

“I want to talk to you about your new classmate, Beatrice.” Once again, she nodded, now more interested to know what this conversation was going to be about. “She’s going to be your roommate.” 

“What?!” Involuntarily she asked, raising her voice in incredulity and shock. 

“Is that a problem, young lady?!” The nun asked with the same tone and she quickly deflated, as she realized how she reacted in the wrong way.

“No, no. Sorry Sister Mary.” 

That seemed to calm down the older woman. “Not only is she going to be your roommate, but you’re going to help her to install herself in this institution. I think you’re going to benefit from her, she’s a great student and good influence for you. So I expect from you to make her feel at home. Did I make myself clear?”

“Yes, Sister Mary,” she automatically answered.

“You could start with a little tour and showing her around the school.” 

“Okay, I’ll do that.”

“You’re dismissed, Miss Zamolodchikova.” She nodded, and left the room.

  
  


**1966**

“Don’t tell me Mrs. Anderson is coming…” Trixie sighed, sipping her cup of coffee afterwards. Jaida was in front of her, giggling at her misery.

“Well, yes. But it’s only a haircut, don’t worry…” Her boss assured her. They had just opened the salon for the day, and they were tasting the first morning coffee together before they would get super busy with clients.

Trixie had been working at Jaida’s salon since she came to Chicago a year ago. The kind woman had given her a job right in the moment that she most needed it, it was like she had a new opportunity in her life. 

She was so glad that the woman who came from Milwaukee didn’t exist anymore. A woman that was escaping, living a lie and trapped. After high school, she thought that things couldn't get any worse but luck was not by her side. Her plans soon had failed in the most painful way. Her family couldn't afford her education in a university, so she had to go back to her home.

In a matter of a few days, her biggest fears came true and it was not fun, to say the least. Not only she had to process the loss of her first love, and the idea of maybe not seeing her ever again, but she had to go back to the tyranny of living under her mother’s roof. Maybe this was her punishment, maybe this was what she deserved.

As the months passed, she got even more desperate for her situation, the money that she earned in the local grocery store - as a cashier - wasn’t enough for going away. 

In the middle of all of this craziness, Matthew appeared. A few years older than her and from a wealthy family, he promised to Trixie the moon and the stars, to give her everything that she had ever wanted. When she was in that position, she didn’t think about it properly, but she was desperate, so she started dating him. 

Obviously it didn’t work out, at all. She had forced herself to have a relationship with a man that was a waste of time, and she only realized that later. Way later. 

She had to stop that miserable life and get out from there. She planned everything, saved every penny, bought a bus ticket to Chicago and disappeared from Milwaukee; if it was possible, forever.

Thankfully she was getting her life back together now. Working with Jaida was lovely and the salon was growing, since it was getting more popular lately. 

Her boss was awesome. Not only had she employed her, but she also had offered her to stay at her apartment, so they shared the rent. Eventually they got closer and now she could definitely call her a friend. 

That morning had started just like any other one. Even though Trixie loved to chat with the clients, sometimes she got so focused on her job that she didn’t notice the woman that had entered moments ago. After she finished a hairdo for a new client, she gazed at who had just come into the salon.

A blonde woman was talking to Jaida. She was smaller than Trixie and even though she had her back turned to the Midwesterner, she had a familiar look. Blonde wavy hair that reached her waist, a slim body… She froze on her spot. Could it possibly be?

Then, the woman turned around and she felt like she could breathe again. It wasn’t her. It wasn’t… It wasn’t Katya. She continued her work for the rest of the morning with that name in her head.

Her mind was filled with memories that, all of the sudden, made her reminisce about her times in her last year of high school, but most importantly: her roommate. The person that she never forgot in all of those years. After all, she was her first love.

She wished she hadn’t lost her. 

**1959**

  
  


Trixie was sitting in that leather chair, listening to Sister Mary praise her qualifications from her previous high school. Being in that office was kind of weird, she felt that those figures of saints and angels were watching her wherever she went.

“We’re really happy to have you here in our institution. I know you are going to feel right at home here and I hope that the other students are solidary with you.” The Midwestern was happy to be there as well. She hoped that this place was going to be more serene than her household. Her mother and her stepfather were getting rid of her, and for once she was glad with the result of it. Totally alone, in a nice school that was all girls.

A little bit of more freedom for her was welcomed, and she was having a fresh start. She also hoped to make a lot of friends. 

Suddenly, her thoughts were interrupted by the nun. “But there’s a task that I’m going to assign to you.”

“What’s that, Sister Mary?” She asked with interest and curiosity. The older woman seemed to like her already. Trixie just wanted to be on her good side if she had just started in this school, just like she did in her previous one. 

“Your roommate, she's going to be your task. She’s kinda… Deviant.” The older woman must have read her confused gaze and immediately she continued. “Her name is Katya, she’s always getting in trouble and her grades are not the best. I know you can be a good influence on her, and maybe you can help each other.” Trixie immediately felt intrigued about why she had such a bad reputation, and who was this ‘rebel’ girl. She hoped that she wouldn’t be mean or make her stay at the school awful. Trouble wasn’t something that she wanted right now.

“I’ll try to help her as much as I can,” she replied what the other woman wanted to hear. 

“That’s great to know, I’m gonna make sure she helps you to get settled and gives you a little tour around the school, okay?” She nodded with a kind smile. After that, she was escorted by the principal to the classroom and to her first class of the morning. Before entering and being introduced to the whole room, she felt very anxious.

“Hi, my name is Beatrice Mattel.” She felt to dumb for saying her real name. She hated the name that her mom gave her, it sounded like an old lady. Trixie had style and tried to be nice, but for now, everyone seemed kind and quiet, no one found her funny.

“She’s from Wisconsin and is going to share this last year with you girls...” She had introduced her better, and she wouldn't dare to say anything else. But suddenly, she heard a _Katya_ being said by the older woman. Her shy demeanor was left aside, just to dare and look at her future roommate. 

She looked like a deer that was alert, her bright blue eyes were open wide in surprise. Platinum blonde and wavy hair that reached above her breasts, her pink lips parted… Just pretty. Very pretty. She even looked innocent. _How is this the bad girl_? The principal told her that she had to see her in the office and she left, she guessed the reason was telling her the news about her new roommate. 

That’s when the math teacher said “Beatrice, you can sit over there, next to Katya.” Indeed it was the only spot that was free. Maybe she was intimidating and people didn’t want to sit next to her. 

Timidly, she approached her seat and started to get comfortable in it, taking out what she needed from her backpack. As she did this, she felt that the other girl was looking at her, and when she checked, she was right. The girl with the blue eyes was observing her quietly, and Trixie didn’t know what to do but say a shy ‘hi’. That seemed to surprise the other girl, who maybe didn’t realize that she was staring at her so much. 

“Hi, my name is Katya,” she finally muttered. The Midwestern could have sworn that she had never seen eyes as beautiful as these. They had residue of eyeliner from yesterday, she guessed. Probably the nuns didn’t let her wear any makeup, but even if it was a bit smeared, she was so surprised at how perfect she looked. But her gaze, demeanor and approach didn’t seem of a person that wanted to create conflict. She seemed interested to get to know Trixie, and that made her feel more comfortable. 

“I know,” Trixie said with a sly smile before sister Cecilia told them to stay quiet. 

At the end of the school day, Trixie waited for Katya outside of her last class, ready for the tour that Sister Mary had mentioned. She had gotten lost enough times already and was willing to accept all the help she could get, and of course getting to spend time and learning more about her new roommate was a big plus. 

Even though the nuns had asked her to help Katya straighten her path, she couldn’t really picture that sweet looking blonde getting in much trouble. What was a little eyeliner anyways? Satan’s calling probably if you asked Sister Mary. 

“I was named the ambassador of this school so I’m going to show you around,” Katya said when she saw Trixie standing outside her class, making the taller girl smile “Ready?”

“Yeah, let’s go” She said as she followed Katya’s lead. 

Trixie tried to pay attention to every turn the other girl was making, trying to take mental notes so as not to get lost again. Katya stood in front of a door, which had a sign with the girl's name, it looked nice, maybe she could even make one with her own name and put it up as well, or even a new one with both names on it _‘Trixie and Katya’s room’,_ throw some pink on it, even. However Trixie’s excitement fell as soon as the smaller girl opened the door. The room was full of clothes everywhere, even the unmade bed she assumed was now hers.

“Sorry about the mess, I didn’t know I was getting a new roommate. I promise I’ll clean up as soon as I can,” Katya said, rushing inside the room trying to pick up the clothes from Trixie’s bed and carrying them to her side of the room “But first, the tour! Follow me, I’ll show you every little corner of this old place” 

Before Trixie could say anything Katya was already walking, so she picked up the pace. She didn’t have to spend a lot of time with her to know her roommate’s mind worked quickly, she liked that. Katya walked her around showing her the different classrooms, and Trixie almost let out a squeal of excitement when she saw the music room. This seemed to catch the other girl’s attention.

“Do you play any instruments?” Katya asked, seeming intrigued and Trixie nodded “Which one?”

“Guess,” she replied playfully with a big smile.

“A banjo!” Katya joked. If her roommate was always funny and playful, then that gave extra points to this place.

“Noooo,” she replied in a whiny tone.

“Give me a hint, wind? Strings maybe?” 

“Strings,” Trixie said, enjoying this little game “Come on, it’s not hard, think”

Katya thought about it for a moment before hesitantly asking “A guitar?”

“Yes!” Trixie said jumping a little bit in excitement “I’ve been playing since I was fifteen, should’ve listened to my grandpa and started sooner, I was missing out.”

“That’s pretty cool, I barely play the triangle and I’m bad at it. So you can imagine…”

“So, if you don’t play any instruments, what’s your thing then? Any hobbies?”

“Yes,” she replied with no further explanation.

“Care to elaborate?” Trixie asked laughing, but Katya just shook her head.

“It’s your turn to guess,” she pointed out with a sly smile.

“Not fair!” Trixie complained, sounding a lot more bratty than intended. “You had to guess an instrument, not a whole hobbie!”

“Tough luck,” she responded, grin still on her face.

“Ok, ok, do you dance? You seem very athletic.” 

“Close, but not really.”

“At least give me a hint,” Trixie complained, rolling her eyes. Her bratiness was showing through. 

“Fine, it’s a sport,” Katya said with a smile still plastered on her face.

 _‘This is not as fun when you are the one guessing’_ Trixie thought to herself as she went through a list of every sport she knew in her head, but it was pointless. A sport similar to dance, but it’s not dance? 

“Oooh, is it the sport with the ribbons and the dancing? I don’t really remember the name,” she said excited, thinking it had to be it.

“Rhythmic gymnastics? If someone from the FIG could hear you they would be scandalized that you even consider it a sport,” her roommate laughed. “Anyways, you’re close, but not quite”

“Not quite? What sport..? Oh, is it like regular gymnastics?”

“And we have a winner ladies and gentlemen,” Katya replied. “If you think I’m athletic now, you should wait until you see me in a leotard,” she joked confidently and Trixie’s eyes roamed to her roommates legs and made her way back up, but she was quick to move on with the conversation. Surely, they looked... Nice.

“Have you been doing gymnastics for long?” Trixie asked as she followed her roommate out of the music room.

“Officially since I was ten,” Katya explained as she guided her new roommate through the school hallways. “But I’ve been doing cartwheels and driving my mother crazy with worry that I’m going to get hurt ever since I can remember.”

“Hey Katya!” Both girls raised their head to see who was calling. Trixie spotted a group of girls sitting on the courtyard as one of them waved to catch their attention.

Katya motioned for Trixie to follow her and walked towards the group, suddenly the Midwestener felt very observed.

“Hello, good evening everyone” Katya said sitting down next to one of the girls and patting the grass next to her for Trixie to sit “These rotted ladies are Violet, Bianca and Adore,” she explained, pointing to each one of them as she said their names. “And this right here is the newbie, Beatrice.”

“Oh, just call me Trixie,” she replied with a big smile.

“Well Trixie, welcome to hell girl,” Bianca joked, making all the girls laugh.

“Don’t scare the poor girl on her first day B!” The shortest girl reprimanded her “Plus, what would Sister Mary say if she heard you?”

“That I’m Satan’s best friend,” she quickly replied, making everyone laugh again.

“She wouldn’t be wrong, would she?” Violet retorted and turned towards Trixie “Don’t let her fool you, she’s not Satan’s friend, she’s his daughter.”

“What can I say? I’m just making daddy proud,” Bianca said in a mocking tone.

“She’s just mocking one of our classmates, you’ll get it when you meet her,” Katya whispered to Trixie who seemed pretty lost in the conversation.

The taller girl just mouthed a thanks as she made a mental note on that, and went back to pay attention to the conversation, not without giving Katya a thankful smile.

  
  


**1966**

Katya almost forgot that she and Bianca were meeting at her apartment. It seemed that today she wasn’t functioning well enough. She was getting distracted every ten minutes and she knew well why that was. 

That nightmare had affected her, and she didn’t want to admit it. She felt off and weird, like something was bothering her deep inside of her, like it had left a bitter aftertaste, and the source of it had a name and last name. A name that she was avoiding pronouncing and thinking about, but, obviously, after last night, that was impossible. 

On her way home, after work, she decided on going to a store and buying some drinks for tonight. Even the way she was walking on the sidewalk, had a slight desperate way in it, like she was escaping from something. Maybe from her thoughts, maybe the past, maybe the fact that she hasn’t let go of the old problems. She had a feeling that something was unresolved, that there was something left unsaid… That something was missing. 

_Fuck, when is this thing going to leave me alone?_ , she asked herself. She decided to look up and get distracted with other things on her way: doing some window shopping, maybe finding a new interesting café to visit some time, or looking at beautiful women on her way. And goddamn, Chicago had so many pretty ladies.

Of course she was demure and sutil with her gaze, she could tell right away - well most of the time - who was interested and who wasn’t. She wasn’t going to lie, it wasn’t easy. Everything was defined by the gaze, like it was a code. When their eyes meet for more than the normal seconds, holding their gaze and plus a smile, she had to talk to her. That’s how it was done. 

A girl with ginger hair was coming towards her, she looked hot, but she was chatting with a friend, it seemed. Their gaze never met. _Dang it_. 

When her eyes were fixing ahead of her again, after that girl passed by, she saw another one right in front of her: big blonde hair, with a pink hairband on her head, pink lipstick and blue eyeshadow. She’s… She’s… A doll. A pretty doll. When their eyes met, she froze in the spot, like she had just seen a ghost. 

_T-Trixie...Trixie...Trixie._

_No, it can’t be_ , she thought to herself. She felt like all the color on her face disappeared, and her heart was beating so fast that she could even hear it. It was a trick of the light, she convinced herself but… There was that doubt and curiosity that made her want to turn around and check right after she passed by. And she did.

She turned slowly, with the fear of finding something behind her, ready to scare her. It seemed that the other woman had the same idea because she had turned around as well. Her eyes on hers. Both of them holding their gaze intensely. She looked as shocked as her, her mouth slightly open, dumbstruck. Katya felt like she was going to pass out at any time.

_T-This can’t be real_ . _Beatrice? Trixie?_


	2. White Pages

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Her breath hitched. It was really her. Her Katya. She could feel her hands shaking, and her heart beating so fast that it was undoing her chest. I have to talk to her, I have to say something, I want to hug her, I want to ask her how she’s doing, if she missed me as much as I did…

**1959**

It was just a matter of days for them to get close as friends and become the annoying duo. Going to classes with Katya by her side was hilarious. In fact, on the second day, she introduced her every teacher in the school in a funny way: 

“That’s our English teacher, Sister Margaret. She’s older than Jesus himself, no doubt about it. Oh, and that's Sister Magdalene, our Theology teacher. We don’t get along that well because I like to discuss religion and you know how that goes. _You shouldn't question our god, Yekaterina,_ ” The Russian girl had imitated the woman’s voice in an exaggerated tone. Trixie giggled, gazing at her with fascination at how she expressed herself. “It’s not my fault _our god_ contradicts himself sometimes.”

“I don’t know how you are brave enough to say anything,” Trixie admits. “If Sister Magdalene is anything like Sister Mary I would be terrified.”

“They are all scary looking at first, but nothing you can’t handle,” Katya explained “Well, everyone except coach Taylor, she’s the only teacher that doesn’t make me want to die before class. And she’s a gym teacher so that’s saying something.”

“I have the feeling you only like her because you are a gymnast,” Trixie pointed out laughing.

“Yeah, that and the fact that she’s not a nun. I don’t think she’s even catholic, which is refreshing in a place like this.”

“Too much catholicism in your catholic school?” Trixie said laughing

“How much catholicism is too much? Any amount for me,” Katya joked, making Trixie shake her head as she tried to hold a laugh as Sister Encarnacion entered the classroom starting the Spanish class.

Katya always seemed proud of making her laugh, searching for any opportunity to crack up a joke and Trixie loved it, she felt at home right away. In fact, she was so glad that her roommate was her, because after a couple of days she immediately noticed that Katya was completely different from what Sister Mary had told her. Honestly, she thought that the woman had described another person.

Katya was considerate to the new girl, explaining everything with patience, helping her at Spanish classes - which it was the only subject that Trixie had issues with -, infecting her with a happy energy every day and, being just simply… _Awesome_.

Even though she had made other friends - like Kim - and, had started to join Katya’s group of friends, it wasn’t the same for her. Being with the ‘rebel’ girl was a unique experience. She had never had a friend like her, at all. There was something about her that was intriguing, fun, chaotic and full of surprises. 

Her roommate loved to make edgy jokes about things that wouldn't be accepted normally; and Trixie secretly liked to make them as well. Now she had found someone who could hear them and laugh with her. Sharing the same sense of humor made her draw in more close to her. 

Before she came to this school, every single friend of hers said that going to that kind of institution was awful and strict. The latter was kinda true, but she didn’t mind it. Actually, she was having fun, meeting new people, getting new books to read - she loved the library, it was immense -, chatting about anything and everything with Katya. 

The first time they had a deep conversation was during the second week of Trixie being there. It was unforgettable. They were in their room, already in their big and long pajamas that were mandatory - and ugly - to be worn at the school. Sometimes she thought that they looked like ghosts when they wore them. Katya sat next to her in her bed and they started to get to know each other a little bit more. 

“Why did your parents send you to this school?” The Midwestern couldn't help herself from asking that. There were a lot of things about Katya that were an enigma and one of them was her family. She wanted to know more about her, besides having a russian heritage. 

“Well, my mom and dad are really busy with work. My dad owns a small chain of supermarkets and my mother helps him, so as you can guess, I always had everything but their attention in these last years.”

“Oh…” Trixie’s mouth opened in a round ‘O’, nodding in understanding even though her reality was different to her friend’s. 

“Yeah, I started to go out more, I used to wear clothes that were different to the other girls: all black leather and jeans. I started smoking… And, well, they obviously didn't like anything about that. They thought it was too much, that their cute and adorable daughter was too masculine and rebellious. The last straw was me fighting with some boys at the school…”

“Wow, really? Why was that?” It was really weird to picture the other blonde in those situations, she didn’t seem like a violent person at all. She was probably trying to defend herself, and quickly, Trixie confirmed that.

“Well, they were talking about my body in a way that I found disgusting. I still don’t like when guys look at me in a… Perverted way.” 

“Oh amen to that, I suffered with that for a long time. Since puberty started, it has been so annoying… But tell me, was it too bad? I mean the fight”

“Not really, but you know… ’ _How could a lady like you punch boys_?’, my dad told me, and I was rolling my eyes at him. So they thought I was going too far with my ‘attitude’,” the girl made the imaginary quotation marks with her fingers. 

“That sucks, Katya.” Again that misconception against the blonde girl. It seemed that her parents didn’t spend enough time with their daughter to discover who Katya really was. 

“Yeah, but whatever. I’m so used to it at this point, I just want to graduate.” The Russian sighed, looking at the window that only showed how dark was outside. 

“Yeah, but you shouldn't get used to it. Look Katya…” For the first time, she grabbed her hand and looked at her in the eyes. The other girl seemed surprised at the sudden contact. “To be honest, Sister Mary told me that you were a ‘deviant’ girl.” 

Katya sighed in annoyance and rolled her eyes. “That old skeleton...” Both of them snorted at that comment and giggled at it. “What more did she say?” 

“Basically that you were misbehaving, that your scores weren’t good. So, she wanted me to be your roommate so I could ‘help you’ and get you back on track.” Katya at this point had her mouth open wide in shock.

“That bitch!” Trixie almost screamed, which made her friend cover her mouth.

“They’ll come here and find us still awake!” The Midwestern nodded, and then Katya took her hand from her mouth. She didn't know why but the heat rose to her cheeks by that gesture. Trixie cleared her throat and continued. 

“Basically, what I’m trying to say is that you don’t seem to be that girl that those people have told me about. You’re a really kind person, and the first one who has helped me continuously since I’ve arrived,” Katya’s smile warmed up her heart after seeing it. 

“Thank you, that means a lot,” the smaller girl grabbed her hand again and it felt as warm as her precious grin. “I had a misconception of you as well,” Katya confessed. 

“Really?” This time, Trixie was really interested to know what Katya thought of her at first. 

“Well, at first thought you were the kind of girl that’ll be so popular here, you have that kind of vibe. Like a cheerleader!” 

“Mhm. I can see that, but I think I’m not that charismatic or extravagant.”

“But I think that you are! You’re really smart and the nuns loved you right away!” Katya tilted her head, contemplating.

“Thanks! I’m always very invested in having good grades, especially now. I want a scholarship for any University that would accept me”

“That’s great. I’m sure you’ll get it! Have you decided what you are going to study?” 

“I would love to become a doctor!”

“That’s awesome, but my head couldn't get all that information in.”

“What about you? What do you want to do?”

“I’m sure I want to study arts. I really like to draw nonsense and paint some weird shit that’ll make the nuns uncomfortable...” Both of them giggled. 

“I couldn't imagine it otherwise...”

“What about your family?

“Well, it’s kinda complicated actually. Basically my mom married this dude who’s an idiot, and he makes my life, and my siblings’ life, miserable. Basically they sent me here so I would stop questioning his behavior. But actually, they’re doing me a favor by sending me here. I’m way happier staying at this school”

“Oh fuck, that sucks Trixie… I’m sorry”

“It’s okay, unfortunately I’m very used to it. I just want independence from them, studying and never going back to Wisconsin…” 

“I hope you get that, you deserve it!” The sincere smile that coated Katya’s lips made her believe her, and her presence made this situation a thousand times better.

  
  


**1966**

_T-This can’t be real_ . _Beatrice? ...Trixie?_

Katya’s hands were shaking, as she stood thunderstruck in the middle of the sidewalk, her face froze in that incredule expression gazing at what she thought was a trick of her brain, making her see something that wasn’t there.

Those honey eyes looked the same as she remembered, but her face seemed to be thinner, as well as her body. Something was still the same, though: she was wearing all pink: her dress, her stockings, her bag. A pink princess. 

It felt surreal and weird. _This is definitely not real_ , she repeated to herself. 

Then, the woman in front of her moved her hand just an inch and she freaked out, stepping back. _I gotta get out of here_. And that’s what she did, she turned around and walked away, picking up speed, her feet moving so desperately that she was almost running away from her. She bumped into some people a couple of times, saying sorry and not turning her head back. 

After a while - she didn’t know for how long she had been walking -, she dared to look back: the woman was out of sight. Katya sighed audibly in relief, recovering from that shock. _It wasn’t her, it wasn’t real_ , she said over and over again as she continued her way. It was better to believe that than facing the real Trixie. 

***

“Katya, what’s up with you?” Bianca asked as the burning cigarette on her hand was almost reaching her finger. She realized on time, getting startled by it.

“Oh damn,” she smashed it on the ashtray beside her. They were sitting on her balcony as they took a smoke break. When she looked up to her friend, she had a concerned look on her face. “N-Nothing.” 

“HA! Sure,” her friend laughed cynically. “Katya, you can’t fool me. I know you very well…” Bianca raised an eyebrow.

She was right, so she avoided her gaze and looked at the street like it was the most interesting thing on the planet. Both of them were left in silence. She was hesitant to tell her friend about what happened. Bianca knew that she and Trixie had a fight back in high school but she always kept the reason a secret. In fact, no one knew what really happened, but her friend wasn’t someone who she could lie to. Bianca could read right through her. 

“Well?” The brunette asked again, tilting her head and raising her brows up in curiosity. Katya sighed again. 

Maybe talking about it would make her feel better, since she had kept the secret to herself for a long time now. She needed to take it out of her system. “I-I think I saw Trixie today.” 

“Oh, and how is she doing? I haven’t seen her since high school.” 

“Me neither…” She fixed her eyes on her own lap. 

“And what is the problem about that? Are you still angry about the fight that the two of you had back then?” Katya opened her mouth to say something but she wasn’t able to pronounce any words. “C’mon Katya! It’s in the past, let it be! You two used to be so close, like siamese twins…”

“It’s not as easy as you think,” she declared, closing her eyes for a few seconds. 

“Why? Are you finally going to tell me what happened between the two of you? Why did you guys fight?”

“I-...” Katya stopped herself and thought about it for a second. This was a delicate matter for her, and even though her friend knew she loved women, this was a hurtful memory and it was not easy to tell. Her words wouldn't come out even if she wanted to, but her friend seemed to notice her struggle.

“It’s okay Kat, you don’t have to tell me. Sorry for being pushy.” It wasn’t that normal for Bianca to say sorry, but she knew she had a sweet spot for Katya in her heart. 

“It’s okay, I want to tell you soon. I still find it hard to talk about, since I never told anyone.” Bianca nodded, with a reassuring smile.

“Take your time. Maybe you can talk about what you felt when you saw her?” 

“It felt like... I got scared, Bianca. I don’t know why, but I felt like I saw a ghost, like she wasn’t real. The wicked thing it was that last night I had a nightmare about her, and this afternoon she appears out of nowhere.”

“Wow, okay… That’s freaky…”

“Right? Last night I felt like I was in high school again, and I remembered the last time that we saw each other, which was awful by the way...” 

“Oh okay.... It seems that you had an interesting day to say the least… But let me tell you something,” Katya had her entire attention on her friend. Bianca didn’t usually give a lot of insights about certain subjects, since she was a little bit cold and a straight up bitch from time to time, so whatever she was about to say, surely was important. “I’ve never seen you so distressed by a subject like this. I’m sure it must be something pretty heavy for you, but I don’t know what happened between you two, and what was the fight about, I’m just going to say that if you see Trixie again, you should resolve this. Sometimes having things unresolved could disturb your mind for years.”

“Yeah, that could be right…”

“Of course, I’m always right!” Both them giggled slightly, but Bianca continued. “In fact, now that I think about it, I have a theory. You’re not the same Katya from that last year of high school. I don’t know if it was thanks to the fact that you were expelled or that fight but, hear me out. Everyone changes when you become an adult, right? But there’s a sparkle that you have lost. Don’t get me wrong, you’re still the same Katya, but you don’t laugh as much, you don’t smile as much, you don’t seem happy, you even hate the idea of having someone beside you… Did you use to think like that back then?”

She snorted, almost laughing sarcastically. “No, I was a delusional kid. But you’re right, I’ve changed. I’m a bitter dyke, is that what you wanted to hear?!” She said spitting every word with a tone of anger.

“Look!” Bianca made a gesture towards her. “See what I mean? You used to be different! My point is that whatever happened, it’s poisoning you on the inside. You need to forgive her, to let it go. I’m not accusing you of anything, I’m just trying to help you Katya!” Bianca’s words hurt, especially because they were true. She just threw all of her frustrations at her, and it didn’t help. 

After a long sigh, she looked at her friend again. “You’re right. I’m sorry. I just… It’s too much to process.” For her surprise, Bianca grabbed her hand, squeezing it a bit and after that, she hugged her tightly. That contact made the Russian loosen her shoulders. 

“It’s okay, you can cry Kat.” Maybe it was the surprising warm attitude of her friend, the bitter sensation she had or the anger from the past, but those words made her sob on Bianca’s shoulder. “I just want you to be happy…”

That was a night that she’d never forget. 

  
  


**1959**

“Wait… You have to show me your leather jacket!” Trixie was smiling in excitement. Katya doubted for a minute. They were supposed to be asleep and the nuns might have been lurking around the corridors. 

“Check outside if there’s anyone in the hallway…” 

“Sure,” The Midwestern approached the door in her tip toes and, with the most delicate and subtle movements, she opened the door slowly and peeked outside. “We’re good.”

“Great!” Katya smiled instantly, and opened her bottom drawer where she had her jacket, hidden under the rest of her clothes. She took it out, along with a high waisted pair of jeans. She tried to be stealthy and not to make any noise that could alarm anyone. At that hour she was wearing her hideous pajamas, but as she was about to take it off, she became more aware of Trixie’s presence. 

The girl seemed to notice this and immediately said. “Oh right, I’ll cover my eyes”, and after she did this, she took the pajamas off. When she was only in her underwear, she started to put her jeans on. The feeling of being this exposed in front of Trixie was making her hands sweaty, but deeply, her delusional and gay heart wanted the other girl to be peeking on her. She raised the garment slowly through her legs with that thought in mind, and for a moment they were shaking. 

_You’re so delusional, Yekaterina_. Next was her jacket, and without even thinking about it, she said: “Done”. When she turned around, Trixie’s mouth was slightly opened. When she checked again, she realized that under that, she only was wearing her bullet bra and immediately covered herself.

“It’s okay,” her friend quickly said, with a calmer expression now. “It’s just me,” she smiled slightly. Trixie was right, it was just her. Then why did she feel that it wasn’t the same as any other friend? She uncovered herself, and started to make weird poses just to feel less embarrassed about herself, since Trixie didn’t seem to feel awkward about it. 

“It looks really good on you!” The sincerity of her tone made Katya’s ears turn red. 

“You think?” She avoided her gaze before her cheeks coated in a deep crimson and looked at herself in the small mirror that they had in their room. 

“Of course, you always look pretty!” She declared, like it was a given and obvious thing. Katya felt her throat tighten. It was hard not to say anything out of the ordinary. “Now I want a leather jacket as well!” 

“Did I corrupt you Trixie Mattel?” She asked, imitating Sister Mary’s voice and the other girl giggled, trying not to laugh loudly or they could be caught. 

“Maybe, but you look badass,” she said with an impressed tone and Katya felt her heart beat faster in her chest. 

“Do I look like the bad girl now?” She made a fake gun with her hands, posing like Marlon Brando in his latest movies. Then she remembered she had her Ray Bans in a corner of her drawer. 

She looked for those and put them on, which made her friend say. “Are you my Rock Hudson?”

“No, I’m your Marlon Brando, baby,” she faked a deep voice, just to make her smile and it worked. Katya almost sighed, thinking about how she actually wished Trixie could be the Jayne Mansfield to her Diana Dors.

  
  


***

There are things in this world that sometimes you need to keep to yourself, but boy, oh boy, was this hard to keep it inside of her. Trixie knew it, she knew what made her different under all of those pink clothes, the perfect As and her over the top feminine demeanor. It was something that she had carried in her consciousness as a delicate secret.

When she was a little girl, she didn’t know what it meant. She thought that it was natural for her to be interested in her neighbor, Sally. She was only five years old and she just wanted to hold her hand everywhere they went. Eventually, Sally told her that she thought that Mike, one of their classmates in elementary school, was cute. That gave her a bitter sensation on the inside that made her distance herself from her former best friend. 

Years later, in middle school, a huge gossip was flying around about one of the boys. What was this boy’s problem? He was a ‘sissy, femenine, and gay’. Trixie was thriteen and had never really known what the word homosexual meant. When she asked one of her close friends, she told her secretively that it meant someone that liked a person of the same sex. At first she was mortified, knowing that she was that, that she had always preferred girls since she could remember, but she never vocalized it. Not only did she know what it was, but it turned out that it was something _bad_. 

After that, she became very aware about how she acted, who she looked at and if it was anything suspicious that might give the idea that she was _different_. That’s why she never dared to tell anyone her secret. 

As time passed, she understood that this was her, that there was nothing that could change it. She was born this way. Unfortunately, she had to perform as an actress any time that her friends would ask her if she found some random guy handsome or if some actor was her crush. With time she found it awkward and weird, and later she had fun pretending, thinking it was something humorous. 

The worst part was dealing with the boys that wouldn't give up on her, calling her names, catcalling her and finding new ways to describe her curvaceous body. It was annoying and disgusting at the same time. 

Tonight that secret flourished inside of her. Her heart beat again and it wasn’t thanks to Marlon Brando, Rock Hudson or James Dean. It was thanks to a blonde girl, with hair as beautiful as Briggite Bardot’s, deep blue eyes like Doris Day, and delicate features as Grace Kelly, but with an attitude and a personality that none of them had. 

When Katya turned around, showing her daring outfit, her jaw dropped and surely, her heart made her go insane on the inside. Involuntarily, her eyes went straight to her bra, blushing embarrassingly in front of her, but it seemed that Katya hadn’t noticed her mistake, covering herself afterwards. For some reason, Trixie wished she hadn’t done that. She wanted to fan herself, since she was so flustered about it. 

One thing was for sure: Katya looked hot. Fucking hot. As a reaction, she visibly swallowed. Still, besides that, she tried to pretend that there was nothing wrong about seeing her closest friend in a bra, with a leather jacket that seemed to have been made for Katya’s shape, and that pair of jeans that hugged her curves…

 _Katya, do you possibly, like the feeling of having me close? Would you like to hold my hand? Would you hug me more than usual? Would you let me kiss your cheek more often? Would you let me, possibly… Kiss your lips? We’re friends but would you mind that? Would you mind if I say that you are so pretty? So pretty that I can’t wait for you to let me kiss your neck and hear you sigh_... 

_You have to control yourself_ . That’s what she repeated in her mind, she couldn’t show her true self for now. It was dangerous. _You wouldn't like to get in trouble with the nuns_ , she considered, but that image of Katya wouldn't go away. 

  
  


**1966**

  
  


Those blue eyes looked as nervous as the day they met at that classroom. Her eyes were open wide, but maybe this time in shock, and Trixie couldn't blame her, she was sharing that feeling. 

Not even in her wildest dreams she thought she'd be seeing her again, she always guessed that Katya might have gone to Boston or New York, but she was in Chicago. _Is she visiting her parents?_ , she wondered for a second. Actually she had so many questions in her head that if she had the opportunity to ask, she wouldn't know how to start. 

Both of them froze on the spot. That morning, Trixie thought she had seen her, so maybe this could be just her imagination again... But the Katya that she was gazing at right in front of her was slightly different from what she remembered. 

The Russian had grown into the most beautiful adult that she had ever seen. Katya was Katya, nothing could top her beauty. No other woman had made her feel like she did.

Her red lips were slightly parted, and even if she looked surprised, her presence was immaculate; even perfect. Her nose was pink thanks to the cold day, making her look kind of adorable. Even her hair was short, as short as Twiggy’s. High waisted red pants, black turtleneck sweater with a black leather coat... 

Her breath hitched. It was really her. _Her_ Katya. She could feel her hands shaking, and her heart beating so fast that it was undoing her chest. _I have to talk to her, I have to say something, I want to hug her, I want to ask her how she’s doing, if she missed me as much as I did…_

When she moved her hand to reach for her, Katya reacted like a scared deer and immediately turned her back on Trixie and escaped from her sight. Somehow, her feet wouldn't move from the ground, her mind wasn’t cooperating and she barely had pronounced “Kat…”

She stood in that same spot until she disappeared from her view for a couple of minutes, trying to comprehend what just happened.

This can’t be it. It couldn't end like this. There’s no way she was letting this stop her from talking to her again. There were so many things that she wanted to say, so many things that were killing her since they last saw each other, sleepless nights, just for this moment.

Home, she had to go home. Her desperation made her run almost all the way to her and Jaida's apartment. When she got there, she was out of breath, finding her friend watching the news on the TV, who looked at her weirdly. 

“Did you run a marathon, girl?” Jaida frowned, while Trixie was gasping for air at the doorway. 

“Probably… I’ll tell you about it later.” Her answer made Jaida look at her even with more curiosity than before, but her friend didn’t push her with the subject. She closed the door, went straight to the white pages, and took it with her to her bedroom, shutting the door behind her.

Trixie sat on her bed and turned the bedside lamp on. Before opening the book she shook her hands a bit, to ease her nervousness. The anxiety of it was too much. 

“Okay, let’s do this,” she whispered to herself before opening it. Rapidly, she started to navigate through those pages, looking for the last names that start with “Z”. When she found them, she started to go down in the list with her finger. 

“Z, z, za, za, za… Zamo!” She gasped, stopping her finger in the first last name of the Zamolodchikovas. She visibly swallowed. Katya wasn’t the first one on the list. Patricia Zamolodchikova? It sounded familiar, but she continued since it wasn’t what she was looking for. The next one wasn’t familiar at all, so her eyes continued on her search.

Her finger froze when she found **Zamolodchikova Yekaterina**. Her digit followed her name to the right, finding her number and address.

“She lives here…” She smiled amazed, happy but at the same time, still anxious at the prospect of talking to her again.

_Would you forgive me?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading. Let us know what you think!  
> Thank you [galaxybrunost505](https://archiveofourown.org/users/galaxybrunost505/pseuds/galaxybrunost505)  
> for editing <3  
> You can find us on Tumblr:  
> [Zamo-95](https://zamo-95.tumblr.com/)  
> [Fedu](https://fedu31.tumblr.com/)  
> I did playlist inspired by the 50s and 60s: [Playlist of the fic](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/6XpABkKAS2ZUnRwR2RsmgU?si=lM4xjhGmTwupTAbE7znkqg)  
> (And yes, Sister Encarnación it's inspired by Nacho Libre lol)


	3. The Old Box

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Hi?” She asked almost out of breath.  
> “Is this Katya?” A female voice that was peculiar asked, and Katya didn’t recognize who it was.  
> “Yes, who is this?” She was frowning, now curious to know who was the stranger.  
> “Hey Katya, it’s me, Trixie!”

**1959**

  
  


P.E. was one of her favorite classes, since she was one of the most athletic girls in her class, if she could say so. Not only was it one of the most fun moments in this school, but their teacher was the best:  Coach Beth Taylor. She was one of the few teachers that were laic, and she had a special bond with the girls. The gymnasium was a safe place for them, away from the nuns and having fun while playing basketball, volleyball or whatever the coach would let them choose to play. 

On this particular day of October, in their weekly class of P.E, she wasn’t feeling okay and all of that was thanks to her ankle. In the last class, she didn’t land well while she was trying to defend the ball. Still, coach Taylor was awesome and let her rest on the benches this time, so she got to watch her classmates playing basketball. Before they started, her friends asked again if she was okay and she assured them that she was going to be fine. It was a lie, it still hurt but she was a tough girl and she was handling it well. Also the nurse had seen her and told her she just needed to take care and it would slowly heal on its own. That was a relief.

Usually, Katya would get very focused when she played, taking it very seriously. Maybe it was the only moment when she would show some competitiveness, but actually that wasn’t something that could happen often. Now that she was the viewer of the game, she started to notice some things that she hadn't seen before.

At first she was concentrated in following the match, but soon her eyes landed inevitably on  _ her _ . Trixie was a decent player of basketball, not the best but definitely not the worst in the group. Slowly, she started to pay less attention to how she was playing and instead, she focused more on how her hair bounced from side to side when she ran after the ball, how adorable her face looked when she was sweating, how her cheeks were pink from all the activity that she was doing, how good the uniform looked on her… And damn, Trixie looked so hot in that outfit. The t-shirt was hugging her generous breasts tightly, and still she wished it was tighter. The hideous sports pants suddenly looked good but only on her, accentuating her waist in a beautiful curve. 

Without doing any activity, or moving in any way, her cheeks felt warm. She was blushing at the sight, but that was not the only place that she felt the heat. She shifted on her seat a bit, completely flustered. 

“Katya, are you okay?” Bianca suddenly appeared, startling her. “I know that you love P.E., but the class is over.” She was right, everyone was going to the showers. 

For the rest of the day she had stayed with a weird sensation inside of her. She felt clumsy and lost. Not only that, but the anxiety of having Trixie close to her was prominent and it hadn’t been that way before. She was aware of her presence more than usual and her proximity was making her feel a little bit insane.

The desire of having something so close yet so far. The frustration of not being able to touch her, to kiss her, to tell her how much she wanted her, of having to to act like everything was cool, like there wasn’t anything wrong with her. Meanwhile on the inside she was burning, overwhelmed by so many emotions that she couldn't express. Repression was something that she was way too familiar with. 

That night on her bed, after she wished Trixie good night, her thoughts didn’t leave her alone. All she could see was the image of Trixie in that uniform, over and over again. And even though it was kinda cold in the room, she started to heat up under the covers. The same sensation that she had at the gym was coming back. Her hand wanted to reach out to where she needed it but, she was sharing a bedroom now.  _ What if she hears me? Maybe she’s asleep _ … That’s what she wondered for a while, until she finally decided to do it. 

The urge wasn’t bearable anymore, her cold hand finally reaching her underwear in the silence of the night. When she reached there, it felt so hot and wet that she blushed again, in embarrassment. Slowly she felt her folds that were slick and slippery, feeling them with her fingers. At that moment her skin had goosebumps from the sensation. 

It had been a long time since she had last done this, well, since before the other girl arrived and after today, she was in need. There was a strong craving for touch and contact, and it was pathetic at this point, especially because it came from  _ her _ .

Katya knew her body well, and what needed to do for her to reach her high. The problem was the noise that she could make. So, she decided to cover her mouth with the other hand, as she circled her sensitive nerve with intention. She looked to her left and she could barely see in the darkness if Trixie was asleep or not. She hoped she was. 

But fuck, it felt so good to finally do it. Katya was starting to enjoy it more, the tension going away from her body. Meanwhile she felt her fingers and thighs even wetter, so she couldn't help to insert a finger inside of her, almost moaning at the sensation. 

Slowly, but steady, she started to move deeper inside of her where it felt warm, feeling every fiber of pleasure by her own movements. Then she started to speed up her fingers in and out of herself. Without even avoiding it, she gasped and it was barely audible, or… That’s what she thought. Her immediate reaction was to cover her mouth more tightly than she had done before. She was so alert now, since the pleasure that she was feeling might have made her feel loose and she probably might have let escape more sounds that she had wished to. 

Now she was very aware of every sound, hoping that her roommate was still asleep. But Katya did not expect what was coming to her: she heard the other girl… Moaning? 

Her eyes widened and she immediately stopped what she was doing. She realized that hadn’t heard Trixie’s sounds of pleasure before - or that’s what she guessed they were.  _ Was she doing the same thing _ ? Katya wondered to herself. The only thing that she could feel was her beating heart, practically panicking from that situation. 

She covered herself even more with her comforter, feeling her face completely red from embarrassment. But then again, why did the other blonde do that as well? There was no way of finding out and surely she wasn’t going to ask her. It was better for her to fall asleep, act oblivious the next day and, if she could, forget about that night. 

  
  
  


**1966**

It was late, she should be in her bed by then. Bianca was long gone and now it was just her and her bottle of wine. The latter was already empty, so she was feeling the alcohol in her system. But it wasn’t an anesthetic for all of her emotions that she had been feeling lately. On the contrary, it was enhancing them. 

Sometimes you just want to forget instead of forgive, but she was realizing that after all, she didn’t accomplish either of that. Trixie was still there, in the back of mind, hidden like a long and distant memory that she never wanted to reach or deal with. 

Bianca was right. Everything that she had said that night was the pure truth and for some reason she was uncomfortable with that reality. Katya knew she was stubborn and when something got to her head, it was hard to brush it off. Forgiving her wasn't easy, but living with this grudge wasn’t letting her be and move on.

After the last drop of wine was on her mouth, she approached her bedroom, with small and slow footsteps, trying not to trip or fall on her way. When she reached the doorway, she turned on the light of the room, but instead of going to the mattress, her eyes landed on her closet; and they fixed on that spot for a while. 

Her mind screamed:  _ the box, the box, the box _ . That’s what she started to search for. When she opened the closet door, her hands tried to clumsily find that box that she needed to see right now. She knew she wouldn't fall asleep without taking a look at it. Her fingers found it on the top shelf and as careful as she could be in that moment, she took it out.

“Fuck, this shit’s heavy,” she complained to herself, finally setting the box on the floor. She sat in front of it, taking the lid off. There was some dust on top of it that her hand tried to dispel. 

Inside of it she found a lot of memories that she had saved there. All of them were from her time at  Woodlands Academy of the Sacred Heart. Pictures, letters, drawings and notebooks. The first thing that she found was a picture of Bianca, Violet, Adore and her. Immediately she smiled at seeing it, she didn't remember this photo. They were all smiling, and even Violet - who was a cold bitch most of the time - looked like she was genuinely having fun. She didn’t remember where exactly it had been taken, but she guessed it was outside of the church.

The next one she found was a picture of the entire class of 1959 and it was actually very lovely. Sister Francine, their biology teacher, was there, along with coach Taylor. She did remember that everyone wanted them in the picture, since they were the best teachers at the school. 

She tried to find herself in the photo and, quickly, she did. She was smiling brightly, her hair was neatly styled for the occasion. Trixie had probably styled it. She was sitting right next to Katya, smiling as well. Before taking that picture, she recalled that moment, where she wanted their hands to be as close to each other as they could, since they couldn’t hold them. They were almost brushing between their sides. The picture almost failed before it was taken thanks to her, since she was looking at the Midwestern and not the camera. 

She choked up, immediately leaving the photo and continued observing the content of that old box. At the bottom of it, she found one of her most important objects that she possessed in those years: her diary. 

She quickly opened it up, curious to revisit what she used to write back then. It was the only place where she could write everything that she felt in those times. Since her sexuality was a secret, the paper was the only spot where she felt safe and free to let it all out. When she read the first line, she giggled. “Dear Barbara...” That was the name that had been given to her diary and she still found that funny. 

“What a naïve girl,” she snorted and commented to herself, but she continued reading the next pages.

“Oh god, I was a lost cause,” she moved her head in disapproval. She skipped a few pages.

_ Wow, gay _ .

The Russian had to stop reading and she closed her eyes. She was warned before and she didn’t want to see it. She loved her so much, that she was weak and could forgive anything from her. Well, almost anything. 

She felt that annoying lump in her throat, the one that held her back from expressing her emotions so many times . It was too much, too much for a day. It was overwhelming and she was putting the finger on the wound again. She had to stop this self-pity game. Abruptly, she closed her diary. It wasn’t helpful at all. It had to go back where it came from. 

In a rush, she was desperate to put all the items back in that box and she closed it. For a moment, she was about to get up and throw it away in the trash, but she couldn't, she didn’t dare to do it. When she was about to stand up the phone rang loudly in her living room. 

“Jesus Christ!” She almost got a heart attack by the sudden noise.  _ Who could be at this hour? _ She wondered. It was already late, but then she had the fear that it could be an emergency so she quickly approached the telephone. 

“Hi?” She asked almost out of breath.

“Is this Katya?” A female voice that was peculiar asked, and Katya didn’t recognize who it was. 

“Yes, who is this?” She was frowning, now curious to know who was the stranger. 

“Hey Katya, it’s me, Trixie!” 

  
  


**1959**

“Fuck, it’s cold,” the Russian felt her hands like they were ice as she held the cigarette between her fingers. On that particular day, Katya and Bianca were behind the gym, in their secret smoking place. They would usually do a little escapade and have a small break everyday. It was the moment that filled her with more adrenaline, since it was kind of dangerous to be caught smoking. It was dumb, it was stupid, it was fun. 

It was early November, and the forest that was right next to the school looked beautiful. It was filled with the colorful leaves that the wind was carrying on the ground: yellow, orange, red, and brown all over the grass. But even though it was still fall, it felt as cold as a normal winter day. 

What was nice about this small moment of the day was getting to talk alone with Bianca about anything: maybe about something that had happened in classes, an interesting gossip or criticizing the nuns. This time, it seemed that her friend wanted to say something since she could feel her hesitant gaze on her for a few minutes. 

“What?” She asked after a long time. Uncharacteristically of her, Bianca took her time to say something. 

“Do you and Trixie get along?” Katya frowned, looking at her friend in a sea of confusion. What kind of question was this one? They obviously got along perfectly. 

“Of course, why would you think otherwise?” She replied like it was obvious, this time with another question. 

“That’s great, I just… Uhh… Observed something interesting…” Bianca continued and Katya nodded. She was listening to her carefully. “I’ve seen that you two are very close… Very, very close… I don't know how to explain this but uh-…You two look at each other a lot when we’re with the girls so…” 

Katya’s eyes widened immediately with what Bianca was suggesting.  _ She can’t be serious, no, no, no she can’t know _ . She was not ready for having this conversation and she felt like puking all of the sudden. The color in her face had probably disappeared, and she supported her back on the gymnasium’s wall so she wouldn’t show how nervous and shaky she was.

Her mind only screamed one thing:  _ deny it. _ She couldn't let Bianca know what was happening. It was so scary and risky for her. She loved and trusted her friend, but she didn't know how she would react to it. “Are you kidding me?” She masked her fright with a confrontational question, but her voice sounded weak.

“Oh no, no. Sorry for suggesting that… I was just curious…” Bianca looked alert now, like she had messed it up, and Katya didn’t know what to do with herself. 

_ I need to go, I need to go _ , that was all that her brain was telling her. “I-I don’t know why you would bring this up… But, I-I need to go. See you later,” she passed by her, heading to the dormitories, but before she could continue her friend said something else that made her turn around and listen.

“Katya, sorry… You’re my friend, and you know you can trust me.” She locked eyes with her for a few seconds and nodded, later fixing her gaze on the grass.

“Yes, I know. See you later, Bianca…” She replied weakly and kept walking away. As she was getting back to her room, her mind was bombarded by so many thoughts about that conversation.  _ How did she notice it? Should I tell her? Better not. What If she tells something to the nuns? No, I can’t take that risk _ . 

There was an important thing that Bianca had said: “ _ You two look at each other a lot when we’re with the girls _ ”.  _ What did she mean by that? Could it possibly be that Trixie…? No, it must be her imagination _ .  _ Surely it was a mistake _ .  _ It’s a mistake, it’s a mistake, it’s a mistake _ ... 

She was a mess, and she was so glad to arrive at her safe place: her room and well… Trixie. But when she opened the door, for the second time that day, her eyes widened, and probably more than before. 

The sight in front of her sent chills down her spine: Trixie was reading her diary.  _ This can’t be happening, this can’t be happening _ . The Midwestern looked up in shock and quickly closed it, as a reflex. 

Katya felt like she was about to faint. 

  
  


**1966**

“Yes, who is this?” 

“Hey Katya, it’s me, Trixie!” 

The Midwestern had been battling with herself for hours and questioning herself about what to do.  _ Should I call her or not? What if she doesn’t pick up? What if she hangs up? _ It kept going again and again and she finally came to a conclusion.

It had been years, and she had waited for this moment for so long that there was an urge in her to do something about it. She wanted to see her, she wanted to talk to her, she wanted to ask her for forgiveness. She wanted her  _ friend _ back. 

As she waited for her response, there was a deep silence between them. She guessed that Katya might have not expected that phone call. 

“Trixie?” Finally a question popped up from the other blonde.  _ Thank god, she hasn’t hung up yet.  _

“Yes, I saw you today and I was so shocked! I didn’t expect to see you here in Chicago, but I’m so happy that I get to talk to you again!” She couldn't hide the joy that she was feeling and all of the sudden, she couldn't stop her mouth from expressing herself freely about it. 

“I-I don’t know what to say,” Katya told her, stuttering a bit and she couldn't blame her for feeling like that. Speechless.

“I know, it’s crazy! But I really need to see you soon, I have so many things that I want to talk to you about! I’d really appreciate it if you gave me some time this week? Like… What about this Saturday? Maybe 5 p.m?” She asked unsure if this might work or not. She was begging the universe to give her a second chance in life and to fix her past mistakes. This one was the most important one that she needed to take care of.  _ Please say yes, please say yes _ … She crossed her fingers for luck and waited for her response that was uncertain so far.

Silence over the line again. She could count the seconds if she wanted to and the suspense was killing her, making her hands literally shake as she held the phone for her dear life. 

“Sure…” She almost sighed audibly over the phone by the relief that answer gave her. 

“We can meet at the café that’s beside the Millenium Station,” she suggested in a rush.

“Yeah, okay, yeah, I know that place…” It was hard to read her tone, she didn’t seem that enthusiastic about it, but at the same time she didn’t sound against it.

“That’s great! So… I’ll see you there?”

“Sure… Uhm, see ya!” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone, thank you for reading, I hope y'all liked this chapter!  
> As always, thank you [galaxybrunost505](https://archiveofourown.org/users/galaxybrunost505/pseuds/galaxybrunost505)  
> for helping us with the editing. Love you!
> 
> [Playlist of the fic](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/6XpABkKAS2ZUnRwR2RsmgU?si=lM4xjhGmTwupTAbE7znkqg)


	4. Bittersweet

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Katya, we need to talk.” She had a determined tone, but at the same time, her honey eyes looked at her with fear.  
> “Trix I don-”  
> “You know we do, let’s go,”

**1959**

“What are you doing with my diary?!” Katya felt how the blood was concentrating on her face, making her feel more angry and disappointed with what she had just witnessed. 

“Kat, I know this looks bad but-” Trixie stood up from her bed with the notebook still in her hand. She raised her palm in front of her, trying to calm the other girl down. That made Katya even angrier.

“It  _ is  _ bad! How dare you invade my privacy!” Then she approached the Midwestern, taking her journal from her hand with force, irritated. Trixie's eyes widened and it seemed like she had started to understand how serious this was. 

“I’m sorry, please listen to me!” The other girl said, clearly panicking. Katya turned around. 

“I don’t want to listen to your excuses,” and just like that, the smaller girl left the room, slamming the door behind her.

After leaving their bedroom, she didn’t know where to go, or what to do. She felt dizzy and upset at the same time. Her first instinct was to look for a refuge. She wanted to be alone. Not even her friends could help her, this wasn’t something that she could explain to Bianca, Violet or Adore. 

There was only one place. The theater was the spot where she wanted to hide, behind the curtains, in the backstage area, where she could be all alone. It was dark as hell, just how she needed it. She made sure no one would catch her entering or the nuns might scold her, sending her straight back to her room. 

As she expected, there was no sound and barely any light, since the sun was going down. She went to the spot where she liked to hide from time to time when she needed to write on her own.

She sat on the cold floor, supporting her back on the wall. There, on her own she realized it, her diary was pointless now. Her secret was out and Trixie had read not only that she liked girls but… That she liked  _ her _ . Just thinking about it made her feel like throwing up. 

In the silence of that place, she started recalling every single thing that she wrote there and it got worse and worse. She wanted to disappear, to be away, far away from here. 

What if Trixie now hated her? What if she told the nuns about it? What the fuck was she going to do? Katya felt trapped. Even in her own room, which she shared with the girl that she… Loved. Now she was going to have to deal with her looks, which would probably be filled with disgust and hatred, awkwardness and regret. 

Why on Earth had she started this diary? She could have kept it to herself instead of writing it on paper. She felt stupid, and most of all, guity. Guilty for feeling this way towards  _ her _ , for being dumb and not controlling herself, for carrying herself to this point. She should had never let herself feel something for her friend, and yet, here she was.

Her friend discovered her, and in the worst way possible: reading her personal stuff. That was something that she had never expected her to do. It was so wrong on so many levels, but at the same time she was vulnerable now. If she confronted her about it, she was at a huge risk of being outed and her secret could be in everyone’s mouths. 

It was a scary and highly dangerous situation. She had to be careful and that made her filled with anger. It was pretty unfair, her feelings were exposed and yet she couldn't do much about it. She had to shut up, and deal with Trixie cautiously - and hoping for the best. If Trixie wanted, she could destroy her in front of everyone. That would crush her heart.

If she didn’t protect herself, no one was going to do it. This was the crucial moment, and she needed to calculate everything: what to say to her friend, how to treat her from now on. She couldn't expect anything from Trixie. Katya felt so frustrated that she opened her diary and translated into words what she felt in that moment.

In the darkness of that teather, Katya felt alone and miserable, so much that she started to cry inconsolably. She felt powerless, weak and hopeless, and all of that just because she was ‘different’ from everyone else. Just for loving someone. 

The pain that she suffered couldn't be understood by anyone, so she had to hide like a rat, in a dark and cold room, all on her own.

Slowly, she hugged her legs, burying her head on her knees, consoling herself as the tears fell down, one after the other. She let herself express her anger, sadness, disappointment, fear and all in between. 

Minutes turned into hours, and the place looked even darker, since the night had arrived. She decided to skip dinner and remain there until everyone was in their beds, asleep, knowing that at some point she would have to go back to her room, and that was something she wasn’t excited about.

Eventually, she went back, sneaking up, checking every corner that she turned, being careful not to make any noise, and not to be seen by anyone. When she was at her door, she took a deep breath before entering. Slowly she opened the door, making barely any sound, so she wouldn't alert Trixie.

Once she was in bed, her roommate luckily looked like she was sleeping. Katya sighed and tried to get some rest. Being inside of those four walls was uncomfortable to her, but thankfully, she was so tired from this crazy day that she fell asleep. 

Her body worked like a clock, waking up at the same hour every morning, pretty early. When she checked, Trixie was still asleep. She took advantage of that, taking the uniform with her and her bag, heading towards the showers, without letting her roommate know. She wanted to avoid her, and any opportunity to talk to her, but she didn’t know how long she would be able to do that for. 

The blonde went to classes as if nothing had happened. That morning the first one was English, and luckily Trixie wasn’t there yet when she arrived at the classroom. Violet was on her seat already, and she immediately was approached by her.

“Where were you last night? We didn’t see you at dinner!” Her friend seemed curious and worried at the same time.

“I-I didn’t feel well… I was at the theater,” she said as she took out what she needed from her bag. Her friends already knew that she liked to have some time on her own every once in a while, precisely over there. Sometimes Violet went there with her, mostly to gossip about something secret.

“But, are you okay now?” The brunette had a worried expression on her face and to calm her down she nodded with a small smile. “Well, if you need anything let me know, okay?”

“I will, thanks Violet!” Not long after she got settled on her chair, Trixie walked in. She tried not to make a lot of eye contact, looking at her notebook, avoiding her gaze. Still, she felt the Midwestern’s eyes on her, piercing her soul. Katya could feel how sweaty her hands were.

Then, the nun walked in and the class started. As the minutes passed by, she started to feel more uncomfortable and uneasy. She knew that this situation was going to be like this for a few days and she already couldn't bear any more seconds. 

She was used to chatting with Trixie, to sending each other notes and laughing mischievously when they weren’t seen by the teacher. Today was different, way different. Being in the same room with her was suffocating.

Listening to the class didn’t help because it made her more anxious, she felt that time was passing by slowly and the lesson was eternal. Her last resource was to draw, and thank god that distracted her a bit, for most of the class.

When the bell rang, she sighed, thankful for having a break. As she took her stuff, Trixie stood beside her.

“Katya, we need to talk.” She had a determined tone, but at the same time, her honey eyes looked at her with fear. 

“Trix I don-” 

“You know we do, let’s go,” she whispered discreetly, as simple as that. Katya, after a final sigh, followed her. As they walked in those halls, the silence became awkward for them.

Trixie had decided to have their talk at their room, and Katya agreed, to avoid any unwanted witnesses. When that door was closed, and they were by themselves, she felt the walls getting closer and closer. You could feel the tension in the air. She hadn’t planned anything that she could say to her, so this could go either way. 

Both of them were standing in the middle of the room, Trixie was giving her back to her, and after a few seconds, she turned around, meeting her blue eyes.

“I’m so sorry about what I did,” she started, hesitantly. “I know it was wrong… But there’s a reason…”

“Oh, there is?” She asked with impatience, but at the same time a bit afraid of what she was going to find out. 

“Yes, listen to me. Since I’ve been here, there’s things that have been waking up inside of me, things that I always knew that I had and that I was so afraid to share, because anyone would think that I’m a freak, a monster. But now that I know that I’m not alone in this, thanks to you, I’ll say it.” Katya nodded, still unsure of what she was going to share. Trixie looked so scared now, her hands shaking a bit. “I like girls.”

The Russian had her eyes widen in shock, she never heard anyone say it, not even herself. “What?!” 

“Yes, I-I always kept it to myself and reading your diary made me feel so relieved. It made me feel like what I am is real, that I’m normal, and there’s nothing wrong with me. That we’re just like any teenager who wants to fall in love and dreams of it, without feeling guilty.” Katya never thought that someone would say that to her, that someone could understand her struggle and even be grateful for her expressing herself in a piece of paper. 

“I never, I didn’t- I’m at a loss for words…” Quickly, Trixie gripped her hands bringing her closer, smiling a bit, with tears in her eyes.

“We are the same Kat, and I can finally share my secret with you.” She was so moved that she hugged Katya, it was overwhelming, but finally, she hugged her back. She was processing what Trixie had confessed, making her feel calmer.  _ We like girls, and that’s okay _ . 

The elephant in the room was still the fact that Trixie knew how Katya felt about her. That’s something that she wanted to know what she thought about, but at the same time, she wanted to leave that subject in the deep bottom of a coffer. It was something she didn’t want to reach or bring up, like a weird memory for both of them. 

Still, the anxious and curious part of her didn’t shut the fuck up. “You also learned about my other secrets...” She closed her eyes tightly, in that hug, not daring to look at her reaction. Then Trixie ended the hug and she cursed herself for bringing it up.  _ She’s going to reject me _ . She knew it.  _ You loser, what did you think _ ?

“I did and…” She still didn't dare to look her right in the eyes. The shame of her feelings were strong.  _ How could you catch any feelings for your friend? You weirdo. This was a mistake, she’s going to laugh at you. She doesn’t find you attractive, I could bet on my life. How could you think that she’d notice you? Loser, loser, loser _ ... 

“Katya, please look at me,” the Midwestern begged, taking her hand again.  _ Okay let’s get this over with. You have to do it like ripping off a band aid _ ,  _ you have to know at some point _ . She opened her eyes, hesitating. She found a calm and warm look on Trixie’s caramel gaze. 

“The main reason why I looked at your diary was because I wanted to know if you… Liked me or not. I was so intrigued to find out, and maybe, if I was lucky, you’d feel the same as I do. And I was lucky.” Katya had never felt her heart palpitate so fast before like it did in that moment. Her chest vibrated with the movements of the organ. 

Trixie liked her, like, really  _ liked _ her in  _ that _ way. How many times had her mind desired that. How she wished so many nights, as she asked her imaginary friend Jesus to make it come true, or it was Barbara… Who knows.

Involuntarily, she felt more drawn to her, her eyes landing on her lips, but Trixie was already doing that with hers.  _ Do it, coward _ . She pushed herself.

Katya finally made the move, chasing Trixie’s full lips. It was her first real kiss, and the fact that Trixie was the first one had her full of bliss. And god, no one ever told her how satisfying it was, how hypnotizing it felt. Both of them were inexperienced, slowly figuring out how to move their lips, moving their heads in an awkward way. Immediately the two girls smiled at the kiss, giggling how they both sucked at it. 

They’d figure it out, she guessed. 

**1966**

Katya woke up the next day with an awful headache. She was getting too old for this. Thank god it was Saturday... Or Friday?

“Fuck,” she said taking the clock that was on the beside table, in ther hands. “Fuck, fuck, fuck.” She was ten minutes late for work, but there was no point in going. She felt like shit and there was no way she could survive a whole day at school and surround herself with screaming children.

She decided that calling in sick was the best, and only reasonable option. Slowly she got up and walked towards the kitchen to get some water to try and hydrate her body a little. Maybe then her head would stop hurting and her throat wouldn’t be as dry as the cupcakes the kids’ moms baked for the school bake sale.

Katya was drinking, more like chugging, a glass of water when it downed on her. Her eyes widened: Trixie had called her, invited her to a café and she said yes.  _ Oh no _ . 

The Russian started pacing in her kitchen, from one side to the other, not sure of what to do. Why had she said yes? She was definitely not ready to see Trixie again. She walked back to grab the phone and dialed her friend’s number, which she knew by heart.

“Hello?”

“Bianca? Are you home?” Katya asked and shook her head,  _ ‘bad idea’ _ she thought as a stinging pain struck her. “Stupid question, of course you are, you picked up”

“Are you ok?” Bianca asked, worried.

“Yes… No… I don’t know, can I come over?” She asked, already walking to the living room, stretching the phone cord too much, so she could grab her jacket.

“Yes, but Kat what happened?” Her friend questioned from the other side of the line.

“I’ll tell you when I get there,” she replied, quickly hanging up and leaving her apartment.

The short walk to her friend’s house helped clear her mind a little, but she was still nervous. As soon as she knocked on the door, her friend opened it with a quizzical look in her eyes.

“What’s going on with you today? You look like you’re about to faint,” Bianca pointed out as her friend sat down on the kitchen table.

She sighed as a response. “I might, I’m not sure yet”

“Katya, what happened?” She asked, pouring both of them a cup of tea.

“Trixie called.” She said like it was the worst thing ever, filled with drama.

“Ok…” Bianca said, waiting for her friend to elaborate on the subject.

“She wants to meet up,” Katya continued, fingers fidgeting. “She called, and talked nonchalantly about how we haven’t seen each other in a long time, and how we should meet up in that café, the one besides the Millenium Stadium with those god awful yellow booths.” She wondered if Trixie was interested in fixing their past problems.

“I’m sure the booths are not the problem here,” Bianca commented, rolling her eyes.

“No, they’re not,” Katya huffed. “You know who the problem is?” She asked, exasperated.

“You?” Bianca asked, taking a sip from her cup, with all the calmness in the world.

“No, she is!” Katya said with an irritated tone. “Seven years, not a word from her, and I was fine with it! And now, out of literally nowhere, she wants to catch up!”

“Well, you saw each other on the street the other day,” Bianca pointed out. “I wouldn’t say this was unprompted.”

“That doesn’t mean she had to search my name on the fucking white pages,” Katya said, annoyed. “Plus, whose side are you on?”

“I didn’t realize there were  _ sides,” _ Her friend showed confusion in her eyes, frowning.

“Well, there are, keep up Bianca,” she said, taking a long sip from her tea. “This is cold,” she complained.

“Well, it wouldn’t be if you had hydrated your throat in between rants,” Bianca pointed out.

“Stop coming for me,” the Russian said with an irritated sigh, clearly frustrated.

“Gladly, as soon as you stop acting like an angsty teenager,” Bianca retorted. “Look, I don’t know what happened between you two, but she’s clearly trying to move on from that, maybe she even wants to become friends again.”

“I’m not sure I’m ready to forgive her,” Katya covered her face with her hands for a moment, feeling lost at what to do in this situation.

“Katya, you said it yourself, it has been seven years,” Bianca said trying to look her friend in the eyes, but Katya’s look was lost somewhere else. “Don’t you think it’s time to move on? You don’t have to be best friends again, you just need to let go of this weight you’ve been carrying for so long.”

Bianca didn't understand her fully, so she tried the following: “I had a crush on her,” Katya interrupted, eyes still fixed on the kitchen table.

“Girl, we know,” Bianca said, rolling her eyes “Remember when I asked you and you ran away like a deer who saw a man with a gun in the middle of the forest?”

“We weren’t best friends, B.” 

“What do you mean? You went everywhere together, knew everything about each other, practically finished each other’s sentences like a pair of creepy twins,” Bianca said as she picked up the cups from the table.

“We were together,” Katya sighed, finally lifting her gaze.

“Wait, like  _ together _ together,” Bianca asked, sitting back down on her chair.

“Yes,  _ together _ together,” Katya mocked her.

“No way,” Bianca said, leaning back on her chair, her surprise evident in her eyes. “How? She’s way out of your league!”

“Oh, thank you,” Katya said sarcastically as she rolled her eyes.

“I’m getting a vibe that it didn’t end well.” 

“You should become a detective B, those deduction skills would put Sherlock Holmes out of business,” Katya huffed.

“Hey! Don’t take it out on me if Trixie broke up with you because you had small boobs.”

“I don’t want to talk about this anymore,” Katya said, standing up and walking to Bianca’s cabinet to grab a glass. “Do you have an aspirin? My head is killing me.” 

“Ugh, let me get them,” Bianca said walking to the bathroom “But the skipping work for a hangover cannot become a habit, unless I’m invited.”

“Buy your own wine!” Katya joked.

“Then stay at home and complain to your neighbour’s cat about your ex-girlfriend!”

“That’s not fair,” the Russian complained. “You know Bertha died last year and Mrs. Hides hasn’t gotten another cat yet.”

“Isn’t it sad that your only friends were Bertha and I?” Bianca questioned, raising her eyebrows.

“At least Bertha didn’t like me only for my wine,” Katya said, taking the aspirin.

“I’m your friend, doesn’t mean I have to like you,” Bianca pointed at her. “Actually, right now I want to slap you for being an idiot but you’re not ready for that conversation.”

“Okay, okay. I’ll tell you what happened,” she finally gave in with a sigh, maybe that’d help with her desperate situation. 

“Finally! I’m ready to listen to this drama,” Bianca declared, her whole attention now on her friend. 

Katya sighed and got comfortable on her chair. She went into a detailed description of everything that had happened that day, and scolded Bianca every time she interrupted. ‘ _ You would know if you’d let me finish,’  _ she said to her friend, rolling her eyes, but of course the brunette kept making comments.

“Didn’t she want to throw stones at you as well?” Bianca said surprised “And then she pretended she cared and that she was all sad!”

“I thought you wanted me to move on from it,” Katya mocked her friend.

“Right, sorry, you’re right,” she said sitting straight on her chair. “You still should Kat, being mad is only hurting you and eating you from the inside. This is your chance to talk to her and start healing, for your own good, not to please her.”

“Yeah,” Katya sighed. “But it’s not easy B, I trusted her.”

“I know, but you have to make this effort for yourself,” Bianca insisted. “If you keep holding on to this it’s going to take a toll on you. It already is, you look like you’ve aged five years in a week.”

“Wow, thanks.”

“But for real, promise me you’ll at least try,” Bianca said looking at her friend in the eyes.

“Fine, I promise I’ll try,” Katya concluded, rolling her eyes.

  
  


**1959**

The room felt cold, winter was coming and she could feel it as the days passed by. That night, the rain was falling non stop, it looked like the world was coming to an end. The thunder and lightning became more prominent as it got later, but that made her fall into deep sleep under her covers. 

Who knows what time it was, but she felt that something was shifting beside her. She groaned, complaining about being woken up. She felt a cold hand on her arm, and that made her open her eyes in the darkness, she was confused and in a state of slumber. Her eyes were met with Trixie’s. 

“Kitty Kat, the thunderstorm scared me…” The other girl whispered, and Katya moved so she could be more comfortable on her bed. She loved the pet name that the other girl had started using. 

“It’s okay, baby… You’re so cold,” she responded as she wrapped her arms around the taller girl. She knew that Trixie always loved how warm her skin always felt against hers.

“You are a little furnace…” The Midwestern commented, snuggling by her side. The Russian couldn't help but smile, she was adorable when she got like this. 

“So you just like me because I provide you heat?” Katya teased, hugging her.

“Yeah, that and other things…”

“What ‘other things’?” Their gaze met in the darkness and Trixie smiled like a kid that was about to do an antic, but instead of responding to her, the voluptuous girl suddenly pressed her lips on hers. Immediately she was more than eager to kiss her full and pink lips.

Her body still felt cold, but she was more than happy to make her feel warm again. Nowadays, their lips had found a perfect rhythm, learning together how to kiss without being awkward and if it was for her, she would practice with Trixie as many times as they needed it. Quickly she found herself obsessed by this contact: the proximity of it, the intimate moment, the excitement of having her in her arms. 

Suddenly Trixie’s hands were exploring her body: from her waist, to her hips, getting closer and closer to where she wished she would reach, but she never did. Then, Katya felt encouraged to explore with her hands as well. Trixie’s body was made of curves, curves and only curves, but she wished she could feel her skin, instead of that annoying fabric. She wished for more, way more. But at the same time she didn't know if it was okay, or how far she could go. 

Her hands felt warm on her, delicate and filled with love. It was like her slight touches on her skin were leaving sweet marks that were invisible to her eyes but her heart could register them forever. Soon enough she felt even more of the warmth, not only from her, but from the other blonde as well.

Their lips separated with a small noise from the contact and Trixie was heaving. “Would you mind if I take this off?” Her honey eyes met hers in the dark room. Katya was starstruck for a few seconds, not knowing if she was ready to see her for the first time without anything on. Her instinct made her head nod without blinking, not even once. 

Then, the girl got on top of her, sitting on her thighs and supporting herself on her knees. Slowly, she started to pull up her pajamas that quickly were high enough to reveal her long legs, her milky thighs, her round hips, her bellybutton, her hips and… Her generous breasts. When her nipples showed, Katya felt her face turn into a deep crimson. It was like looking at a perfect painting coming alive. She wished that the women that she drew were as immaculate as Trixie was.

Finally, the Midwestern was taking that garment off and throwing it aside, probably falling on the floor. Still, she had her cream-colored panties on. Soon enough, she approached Katya, kissing her again and this time with intensity. The blue eyed girl whined in her mouth, as her hands traveled through the sides of Trixie’s body. When she was close to her chest, the brown eyed girl left her lips to ask something out of the blue. 

“Were you touching yourself the other night?” Her whisper gave Katya goosebumps on her skin and with the smallest voice she replied to her. 

"Well… I was." Her reaction was to bite her lips. 

"I was as well… Do you want to know what I was thinking about?" Trixie asked with a breathy voice. 

Katya meanwhile, was losing her mind after finding out that indeed, both of them were pleasuring themselves at the same time. "What were you thinking about?" 

"You…" Again, a passionate kiss was born, and this time their tongues met in a heated contact. Katya felt that her clothes were burning her body, and she started to take them off. Trixie helped her, interrupting their kiss. 

When she was almost completely naked, and now totally aware of how her body looked, she felt a sudden anxiety. 

This could be her first time and it was a new experience for her to show all of those places that no other girl had seen. Her breasts were small and humble so they couldn't be confused with mountains; also she didn’t have a voluptuous butt - her ass was bony, as she liked to joke - instead there were muscles that had formed thanks to all of her training.  _ Would she find me pretty _ ? 

Instead of using words, Trixie firstly admired Katya’s body with her hands, traveling from her perky boobs down to her stomach. Her abs were barely formed but with her touch she was sure she could feel them in the obscurity of  _ their _ room. "Fuck, you’re so beautiful… I still can't believe I'm finally able to touch you in this way…" 

Katya felt vulnerable in the best way possible. Trixie’s words had such a huge effect on her, and the other girl might not have realized the consequences of it. She could feel her fingers shake from this new experience, and at the same time. from her deep longing. Maybe it was because the way she loved the girl in front of her was intense.

The only way that she could express her affection was to press her lips against hers once again, wrapping her arms around her tiny waist bringing her closer to her own body. When their skin met in that lustful kiss, Katya felt that she was floating in a reality where only their love existed and nothing could tear them apart. 

Her golden hair fell on the pillow as Katya laid her down without leaving her lips for a second. She got enough courage to dare and go beyond her fears. Her hands touched that soft flesh with want, and the Russian never imagined how good her nipples would feel on her fingers, ghosting around them and making the girl beneath her whine in her mouth. 

Suddenly the other blonde stopped her movements and asked. “Wait… To be honest, I don’t know how to… What to do… Uh-” Her insecurities sounded somehow adorable to Katya, and she couldn't lie: she felt the same way. 

“I don’t know what we are doing either, we can just… Make each other feel good…” A shy smile coated the other blonde’s lips and she nodded timidly. Katya just wanted to kiss her until her lips hurt, but that could wait. 

Instead, her face approached the place where Trixie seemed to be the most sensitive. With her tongue, she circled around her pink nipples and then sucked gently, seeing her react to it and gasp slightly. The blonde was very responsive to her movements and Katya enjoyed that, so she kept doing it again and again. 

She felt how her panties were soaking just from this, and the satisfaction that she felt for making Trixie feel good. Her curiosity made her hand wander to the other girl’s underwear. The fabric felt warm, and as she could confirm, it was in the same state as Katya’s. 

With her fingers she stroked that sensitive spot and Trixie moaned. “Baby, let’s keep it low… We don’t want any intruders…”

“Yes, I’ll try…” In response she stole a kiss from her, as she continued her movements on her clit. 

“It’s so warm…” Katya whispered in her ear, leaving a kiss under it. 

“It feels so good…” Trixie, who seemed to be in a daze.

“Do you want to feel mine?” She asked and the Midwestern nodded, so she grabbed the girl’s right hand and took it where she needed it the most. Katya sighed in satisfaction at feeling her fingers on her. 

Soon both of them were mirroring their movements on each other. She could feel how Trixie got wetter and wetter as she continued, and when the fabric was bothering, she moved it to the side and felt her warm petals around her digits. A whimper of pleasure was heard in the room and that fueled her to feel her inside, a finger entering the brown eyed girl walls.

“Kat I- I- can’t hold it… I’m going to come…” She whispered heatedly in her mouth. 

“Do it, come, baby…” She encouraged, increasing her movements on her easily. She was so wet that she could hear the sound of it. Trixie’s breathing was getting more irregular and when her high came, Katya kissed her to avoid any suspicious noise. 

Trixie wasn’t satisfied until Katya had her orgasm as well, making her come in just seconds and blushing embarrassingly at how easily she finished.

The night ended with them smiling at each other in that heated bed that was a witness of their love. 

**1966**

Trixie looked at herself in the mirror and sighed, what was a girl even supposed to wear to grab coffee with her ex? She stared at the yellow dress in the mirror, trying to, through some superior force, make it magically work for the occasion. 

It’s today, she’s going to see her... She couldn't lie to herself, she was feeling more anxious and nervous as the hours passed.

“Are you going on a date?” Jaida asked, leaning on Trixie’s bedroom door.

“No,” Trixie quickly said. “I’m meeting with a friend for coffee.”

“A friend, alright” Jaida said with a knowing smile as she walked to sit on Trixie’s bed. “I’m sure that your  _ friend _ will like whatever you are wearing.”

“Well, I haven’t seen her in a while, so I’m kind of nervous about that,” Trixie explained turning around to face her friend.

“Oh, we really are talking about a friend,” Jaida said surprised “Well, I’m sure she’s just as excited to see you again as you are Trix.”

“It’s just... The last time we saw each other it wasn’t on the friendliest terms,” she explained sitting next to her friend. “And I don’t know how she’s going to react.”

“You said you haven’t seen each other in a long time, I’m sure whatever happened is a thing of the past,” Jaida tried to make her feel better.

“Yeah, you’re right,” Trixie said standing up with a smile “We’re both grown-ups now, I think she has better things to worry about than a teenage fight.”

“Exactly!” Jaida said smiling cheerfully at her. “Every time I get together with my childhood friends we always laugh about the stupid fights we got into. Specially fights about boys, they can be cute but now we know friends come first”

“Yeah,” Trixie agreed half-heartedly, since she couldn't relate to that at all. She knew that their fight was for something that was totally different from that.

“Anyways...” The brunette said standing up. “I’m sure you girls will have a lovely time and you’ll catch up on everything.” Jaida gave her a squeeze on her shoulder to loosen her up. 

“I’m really excited to see how she is.”

“Then I’ll get out of your way so you can finish getting ready,” Jaida offered her a friendly smile. “At what time are you leaving?”

“I’m meeting her at five, so I should leave around four thirty just to be safe.” 

“Alright, let me know if you need anything,” Jaida said before leaving Trixie’s room.

Finally she chose that yellow pastel dress, it was maybe kinda short for fall but, the stockings might give it a nice touch for her outfit. She styled her curls, in a half ponytail. Her looks couldn’t be complete if she didn’t do her makeup as well: eyeliner, mascara, blush and a peachy lipstick. When she was done, she observed herself in the mirror and wondered why she had put so much effort into it.  _ What are you expecting? _

But there was no more time to waste, and to keep thinking nonsense. She took her coat and purse and left, saying a ‘see you later’ to Jaida. 

***

Katya was pulsing with anxiety while she was heading towards the café. She’d been fighting internally with herself, thinking if it was right or not to show up. Still, Bianca's words were annoying in her head, making a huge deal about it. 

_ It’s just a meeting, just to talk about what happened, resolve it, and leave _ . She was convinced that was the best thing to do, so she could feel better.

Everything that happened that day was chaotic, she was wondering what she should wear, what she should say, what could happen, what Trixie was going to say. Her head couldn't stop for a second. 

She stopped on the sidewalk and looked at her watch: she was ten minutes late.  _ Fuck _ . She hurried up, since she was just a block away. 

As she got closer and closer to the place where they had agreed to meet, she felt like she was closer to her past in some way. Seeing Trixie again was like turning back time, and that gave her so many bittersweet feelings. How come someone could hold so many great memories and also the worst of them? 

Katya stopped at the cafe door. She felt intimidated, she could turn around and just leave, but there’s always that old question: _ What if I don’t _ ?

_ Fuck it, let’s do this _ . 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone, I hope y'all liked this chapter! Thank you [galaxybrunost505](https://archiveofourown.org/users/galaxybrunost505/pseuds/galaxybrunost505) for editing our work, you're the sweetest, love you! Also, a little bird told me that next chaper we might know what happened between them... Or not, who knows...👀
> 
> [Playlist of the fic](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/6XpABkKAS2ZUnRwR2RsmgU?si=lM4xjhGmTwupTAbE7znkqg)


	5. What Becomes of the Brokenhearted

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Katya couldn't believe what she was hearing, she felt like a knife had stabbed her heart, right in that moment.

**1960**

If someone had told Katya two months ago that her best friend felt the same as her, and would eventually become her secret girlfriend, she would have laughed at it loudly. 

They were now each other’s other half, and this time it was for real. There was an important dynamic between them, that was born at the same time as their relationship. “We have to be discreet and careful”, this was their motto and they decided to protect themselves until they were no longer under this roof, until they were away from their families and, if they were lucky enough, maybe going to the same college. There was nothing that could stop them, and Katya felt like she could bear anything as long as she had Trixie by her side. 

A new decade had just started, and with it new hopes of a bright future for both of them. Even though their love was young and just starting, for Katya it was the best thing that had ever happened to her. She felt loved, she felt like she mattered, and that Trixie appreciated every part of her. While her parents were there to criticize her mistakes, Trixie just needed to look at her to feel happy.

One cold Friday in January, after their last class, Sister Magdalene had asked her and Trixie - since they were the last ones to leave the classroom - to take all the Bibles that were used in the lesson and store them in the big Library. Their teacher had to rush to the hospital because her mother didn’t feel well, and they agreed.

Since it was late in the afternoon, there was no one at the Bibliotheca, so both of them were talking freely, laughing at dumb comments. 

“You know she only asked us because she only trusts you,” Katya referred to Sister Magdalene. 

“Of course, she always looks at you with literal hate in her eyes, since you always make her furious with your comments.” Both of them giggled, as they stored the books where they usually were. 

“I know, but you have them wrapped around your finger. All of them adore you…” Katya was impressed at how easily the teachers and nuns trusted the other blonde, and had a sweet spot for her. But Trixie wasn’t dumb, she had told her that she did that so her scores were a little bit better, to which Katya replied that she was a psychopath. Still that had an advantage, since they were together all the time, now Katya wasn’t as controlled by the authorities as before. They all left her alone, and it was all thanks to Trixie.

“That’s right, but you haven’t realized that I did that to you as well...” Katya looked at Trixie, who had a sly smile, supporting her sides on the bookshelf. Suddenly, an uncontrollable need to kiss her woke up inside of Katya, but firstly, she checked around the place, and so did the blonde in front of her. 

When they were sure they were alone, both of them met halfway, their lips crushing with each other in a very desired contact. Katya supported her right hand on her jaw and the other one on her waist, so she could bring Trixie closer to her. 

When their bodies were brushing with each other, Trixie moaned slightly on her lips. Katya still had the urge of kissing every spot that was visible, so her neck was the other place that her mouth was exploring. 

“Are you the teacher's pet?” She was teasing her, asking with want as the Midwestern was sighing in desire. 

“Y-Yes…” She replied, nodding senselessly. Katya was already smiling at how easily she had her under control with her movements. 

“Meanwhile you’re acting like a goodie two-shoes in front of everyone and, actually you’re a needy brat, that likes to be touched by me.” Katya wanted to take her to the edge making those comments, but at the same time, she was turned on by this. Her hands wanted to explore Trixie’s body, conforming herself with touching her breasts over her shirt. Trixie was wearing her uniform and that brought her more to the edge, not letting her think in something else than having her in her bed. 

She put her against the bookshelf, and then Trixie asked with the hottest voice she has heard from her yet. “Kiss me.” 

She obeyed, there was nothing that could stop her from doing that. Her lips were like drinking water after a long walk in the desert. She couldn't deprive herself from them.

As their lips were moving in their own accord, so did Trixie’s hips, straddling Katya’s leg, rubbing herself on her. She was sure there was nothing hotter than this view. They were fully clothed, but they were moving as if they had nothing on. 

“Let’s go to our room,” for a brief moment Katya left her lips to say that, and Trixie nodded in a daze, quickly meeting their lips again, concentrating only on that.

“GIRLS!” 

Katya froze on the spot, feeling like she could faint at any moment. She’d quickly recognized the voice of Sister Mary. Before looking at the older woman, she gazed at Trixie who was meeting her eyes. She was fully panicking and so was Katya.

_ This can’t be happening _ , Katya thought. They separated in total fear and as a secondary reaction. She could feel her own desperate breathing, and as she looked by her side, Trixie was shaking, gazing at the floor. She seemed as nervous as her. 

“How do you two dare to do this in the house of God?!” The woman sounded the most severe and angry that she had ever heard and for a moment, Katya was in sheer panic thinking about what could happen now, but the Principal didn’t stop. “Both of you are committing the worst sin that there is, you two are sick and depraved!” The Russian felt the anger build up inside of her, the only sick one was this old decrepit woman who was judging them. “You Katya, I’m not that surprised, but you Trixie, I can’t believe how you could have done this, you’re a disappointment! Now forget about graduating with honors, or expecting to go to a college! I’m very sure your parents are going to be pretty disgusted by this...” 

That’s when the real fear in Trixie came out, quickly trying to interrupt. “No, I’m sorry! It’s not like this at all...!” Katya then frowned, staring at the scared girl in confusion. 

“What do you mean?” The principal asked, without any patience. 

“I-I didn’t do this… Katya started it!” Katya’s jaw dropped in shock as she was listening to her. You could notice that Trixie had a desperate and nervous tone to it, like she was trying to convince the nun in some way. 

“What?!” The older woman seemed confused and she didn’t seem too persuaded. Or that’s what the Russian thought. 

“Yes! I n-never wanted to do t-this…Uh… S-She told me to, she corrupted me!” Katya couldn't believe what she was hearing, she felt like a knife had stabbed her heart, right in that moment. She felt like the walls of their fantasy were falling, along with their dreams in the future. _What about their promise, the one about protecting each other?_ _How could Trixie talk like this? How could she betray her in this way?_

Sister Mary stared at the Midwestern in silence, contemplating at what the young girl had said. Meanwhile, Katya couldn't escape from her total shock, not taking her eyes off from the person that she loved as Trixie avoided her eyes, looking at the floor. She wanted to cry, to wake up from this bad dream. If someone had told her that this was going to happen two months ago, she also wouldn't have believed it. 

“Yekaterina, let’s go to my office!” The older woman concluded, signaling with her hand for Katya to walk with her. Her mind wasn’t working properly thanks to the emotional mess that she was in and she looked at the nun, still surprised, but the woman didn’t want to waste any more time. “I said let’s go!” She almost shouted which made her jump and finally move her feet. Before leaving, she glanced at Beatrice whose eyes were alert and seemed confused. Katya hoped that with her gaze, she could show the disappointment and hurt that she felt. 

As she walked to her ‘ballotine’, every step that she took, produced a new silent tear. “I don’t want to hear you cry, you pervert,” the old woman almost whispered cruelly, as she walked with her head hanging low. 

Katya never felt comfortable in a library ever again. 

  
  


**1966**

When their eyes met at that café, Katya’s heart stopped for a bit. Trixie was smiling at her as she was seated at a table, waving at her discreetly. Before she could move even further, she had to take a deep breath to encourage herself.  _ You can do this _ , she told herself. 

As she approached the table, she felt her throat tighten, getting more nervous as she got closer to Trixie. When she was in front of her, the other blonde stood up and suddenly hugged her, taking Katya by surprise, not really knowing how to respond to that. Her arms felt limp at her sides.

But, the other woman didn’t seem to notice, since she immediately said with a cheerful tone “Hi, it’s been so long!” ending the short hug. 

She barely responded with a small ‘Hi’, not really knowing how to act. When they sat down, she had the opportunity to really look at her. The Midwestern looked as delicate and femenine as she remembered, this time she was wearing makeup that enhanced her features. Her face hadn’t change that much, she even looked younger than her age; and in all honesty she was as beautiful as the day that she met her. The Russian cursed at herself for gazing at her gifted chest.

The blonde was irradiating a happy energy, and seemed pretty excited by this encounter. Katya on the other hand, didn’t know what to do with herself. She only came here to resolve this, and get this over with. But destiny never lets her have the things on her way.

“How are you? How is everything? Are you working? Tell me!” The woman in front of her asked with too much contentment, which was throwing her off.

“I-I’ve been fine. I’m an art teacher now…” She went on easy, telling her about her life so far, so she could feel comfortable, but she still felt uneasy, unsure how this conversation would unravel. Suddenly the waiter appeared, asking them what they were going to drink, and both of them chose a cup of coffee. 

Again, they were left alone at that table, and the silence came in. They were sat next to the window and it was a nice spot, almost poetic. She guessed a lot of couples had their first date here. If the context was different, she might have enjoyed this encounter. Trixie seemed to be interested in what she told her. “I would never have guessed you’d become a teacher…”

“Well, me neither, it just happened like that, like a discovery that I made. But other than that, everything's been good. I live in my own apartment now, I work in an elementary school, and when I have time, I meet up with Bianca…”

“Oh my god! Bianca is in Chicago as well?” Trixie smiled brightly, again with a cheerful tone. Her response was to nod to her question. “That’s great, I really want to see her as well…” 

“What about you?” Katya couldn't help but ask, part of her was really curious to know how her life was. She wondered if what she had wished for as a teenager came true for her. A little part of her also wanted to find out if she had found anyone else.

“Everything’s been awesome! Actually I moved to Chicago a year ago, and I work in a salon.” Now, Katya couldn't understand how that happened.

“As a hairdresser?” She asked with incredulity in her mind.

“Yes, and I’m getting really good at it. The salon is getting very busy lately.” This didn’t make any sense for Katya. Trixie, a person that was obsessed by having the best scores, who could have chosen any college with her qualifications, was working in a salon. How did that happen? Her obsession was so strong that dared to snitch Katya for the sole purpose of saving herself. That already made her raise her an eyebrow, and to be honest, that annoyed her. 

Meanwhile, Trixie kept going, talking about the customers, how sometimes they got the best of her, what she had learned, etc, etc. As she spoke, Katya wasn’t registrering anything that she was saying, all that she could think was how the Midwestern hadn’t mentioned anything of what happened between them. Not a single time, not even a ‘Sorry for fucking it up so hard and ruining your life’. 

She was looking at her as she talked but in reality she wasn’t paying attention. Katya’s face was free of any emotion, as her mind stirred up her memories, her hardships and grudges that she had been through thanks to what she did. Until she decided to stop this.

“Beatrice,” She interrupted her in the middle of a rant that she didn’t care about, and calling her by her full name made Trixie look at her with surprise. “Why did you want us to meet?”

The Midwestern froze in her spot, she seemed throwed off by what she just asked. “Oh because, I wanted us to connect again…”

Katya couldn't avoid the irritated sigh that escaped from her lips. “Honestly, I don’t care about connecting to you again, I came here to talk about what happened, remember? Or do you not remember how you betrayed me?” She asked that question, looking right into her eyes, to make her understand that it wasn’t something to take lightly and it wasn’t clearly resolved. This time, she didn’t have any restrictions to speak her mind. 

Trixie seemed to be speechless after that, and Katya knew that she was in a vulnerable position. Then, after a few silent and awkward seconds, she dared to respond to her. “I-I know we have to talk about that…” Obviously there was a nervous tone in her voice, as she stuttered her words.

“You’re goddamn right we have to talk about it, and we’re going to do it now, because I’m not here to pretend that I’m in a circus of happiness, that I’m fine with you pretending that nothing wrong happened!” Finally she was spitting everything that she was holding since she arrived, her voice raising and not leaving any trail of friendliness in her tone. 

Trixie was losing the control of the conversation and Katya could see it as her body language betrayed her, showing how desperate she was. “I never said that nothing happened.”

“But you sure act like everything is okay, and let me tell you that while you were having a great time, finishing high school, I had to deal with the worst thing that happened in my life!” This time the Russian raised her voice again, the anger was escaping from her lips. Maybe this alerted the other customers at the café, stealing some looks, but she didn’t care at this point. 

“It was the worst thing for me as well,” said the other girl immediately. She probably had tears that were threatening to fall, but Katya didn’t believe her. The audacity of what she was implying made her furious. 

“Oh sure thing, now you’re playing the victim role? Don’t make me laugh!” She was smiling ironically, with an indignant look on her face. She couldn't stand her attitude.  _ Is this woman joking _ ?  _ What the hell is on her mind _ ? 

“Katya, can you please listen to me? You didn’t let me speak at all, there’s a lot that you don’t know!” Again, Trixie tried but the smaller girl was done with this nonsense.

“So now you want me to feel sorry for you, poor thing. But know what? I don’t care to know about it,” Katya stood from her chair, leaving a few dollars on the table. “Goodbye Beatrice, please don’t call me again.” 

She turned her back on her, leaving a shocked Trixie on her seat, and heading towards the door.  _ What a waste of time _ , she thought, walking out of that café with the same anger that she had walked out of that library with.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh the drama. Thank you as always to our beloved [galaxybrunost505](https://archiveofourown.org/users/galaxybrunost505/pseuds/galaxybrunost505) for editing!  
> [Playlist of the fic](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/6XpABkKAS2ZUnRwR2RsmgU?si=lM4xjhGmTwupTAbE7znkqg)


	6. Tainted Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Midwestern was desperate to get close to the blonde, the girl that she loved. If she didn’t do anything else, she was going to leave with the worst impression ever. If only she could know that she was mortified about what she said, that she would do anything to take those words back, that it was a huge mistake

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Homophobic slurs

**1960:**

“ дома поговорим ” Her father said when they were inside of their blue Cadillac. The Russian girl knew exactly what he meant by  _ we’ll talk at home _ : ‘prepare yourself to get the biggest lecture for being the worst daughter ever’. 

Her parents had talked to Sister Mary, while she had to wait with her luggage outside of the Principal’s office. By the serious look on her parents’ eyes, she guessed they knew everything. 

That drive to her house was the most silent one that she had ever had in her life. As she was seated in the back, she focused her gaze on the trees that the car passed by on the road. Her cheeks were filled with silent tears, since she was sure her parents, as Sister Mary, wouldn't have liked at all to hear her cry. 

She was devastated. The world was crashing down on her, or that was how she felt. She was kicked out of school like a dog, and now she could never return. All of her friends were there, and none of them knew what had happened. She left without a chance of saying goodbye to them. Nothing. Now, who knew what lie was going to be made up about her expulsion.

The only question that was on her mind was: why had Trixie done that to her? She was still baffled by the girl’s attitude, and how she didn’t waste a second to point at her and accuse her. Wasn’t she in love with Katya? Or did she never love her? Apparently not, she guessed. Someone who loved you, wouldn't betray you, or cause you any harm. What a disaster. 

When they arrived at home, she carried her own suitcase, without her father’s help, unlike most times. She entered after them, and they were already waiting for her in the living room. They didn’t even let her unpack, leaving her belongings beside the doorway. 

“Yekaterina! Come here!” Her mother said, with her arms crossed.  _ Yes, ma’am _ she answered, sitting in front of them, on the couch. Both of them had a severe look in their eyes, and she had to look down in shame; scared at the same time of what was coming to her.

“With all the morals that we taught you in this house, and the best education that you can have, you go and do this! The worst thing that you could do to us and our family. From all the bad things you have done, you had to do this, so the bar can raise even more! Right? And for what? Now you’re expelled, right in the middle of your last year of high school! Congratulations, Yekaterina, good on you!” Her father said sarcastically, and she had never heard him as angered and irritated as now. But what could she say to them? There wasn't anything good to say in her favor, she had been caught. Now, she had to be silent and take in all of these awful words. 

“Did you do it on purpose, was it revenge? Just because we sent you away to that school, did you have to behave like a disgusting dyke?” She clenched her fingers, into a fist, her knuckles turning white at hearing that word. Now her sight was blurring, tearing up in rage. 

“It’s not like that…” She barely muttered, her voice coming out weakly.

“Oh for sure it’s like that, you’re just doing this to make us mad! And that’s what you got! Let me tell you, that’s not going to go the way you like it because your behavior has consequences…” This is what she wasn’t looking forward to. “You’re going to finish high school in a place that we chose. We’re going to control the times you leave and when you get back. You’re not allowed to get together with any of your friends...”

“Dad…” She tried to chime in, to protest but there wasn’t any possibility to talk.

“I didn’t finish, Yekaterina! You’re not going to Boston for college! You’re going to study in Chicago!” Her eyes widened, looking right at her father. “You’re not going to live in a dorm on campus, you’re going to stay here for as long as you go to college for…”

“But Dad!” 

“No buts, Yekaterina! Shut up!” The middle aged man said, raising his voice, screaming at her. Katya got startled, since she never thought that she would see her father react this way. She was sure her neighbors might have heard him. “I don’t want to hear you complain in any way, you understand me? You have no right to say anything against this decision. It’s made, and you should be glad that we didn’t kick you out of this house!” He pointed at her with his finger, his eyes filled with rage. 

“I would prefer that…” She mumbled, and with that, her mother, who had been silent during the whole rant, stood up, approached her and gave her a slap to her face. It was so strong that it made her cheeks sting in pain. Then, her mother in tears said the next:

“I don’t even know you anymore. You’re a disgrace for the family, and I’m so ashamed of you. Wake up and start acting like an adult. You’re not a kid anymore!” Katya was so shocked, as her hand touched the place where it hurt the most. She gazed at her mother with incredulity in her eyes. 

She couldn't stand it anymore, it was too much for a human being to endure all this punishment. She stood up, running past her parents, climbing up the stairs, desperate to escape from this situation. 

She locked herself in her room, where she finally unloaded all of her pain, releasing a howl filled with agony. She barely made it to her bed, crying on her pillow. The hurt in her chest, the pang that she felt in her heart was the worst one that she’d ever felt. 

It felt like it was the end. The end of her hopes, of her dreams, like there was no tomorrow. All the fucked up stuff that had happened that day from her parents ruining her plans, to the nun expelling her, definitely the most painful one was Trixie blaming her. 

All of this was thanks to her. Trixie had pushed her to this void, to this hell that she was in. Nothing could save her now, only herself. She felt alone, and she had no one to help her. Hopeless and anguished. 

She spent an entire week in her room, crying. She barely ate, barely slept. She only existed, that was her only occupation. She felt locked in this little world where her time was spent drowning in her depression. Still, she was finding a reason to keep fighting, to keep… Living.

After all the pain, all the sorrow… The fury came. What she didn't know back then was that emotion was going to stay with her, deeply in her heart for years. A big resentment in her soul. 

Her first love did her this, the love of her life as she thought. The girl to whom she had trusted her feelings, her fears, her secrets, her love, her whole heart. Trixie had destroyed their plan, her life, the love she had felt for her. Just like that, like nothing mattered. 

If someone like her, the person that she could have given everything to, did that to her, then what could she expect from anyone else? If this was what love supposed to do to you, then she didn’t want to experience it again. 

Trixie had a cold soul to do that, to throw it all in the trash and literally ruin someone that she supposedly loved. After all, she didn’t care about what Katya might have felt, or what she was going through. 

She never got any calls, not even a letter. Nothing. “Fuck Trixie” She whispered to herself on a lonely night on her bed.

**1966**

“Trixie!” Jaida warned her and she didn’t realize that she was filling her cup with too much coffee, which she spilled on the table. 

“Oh shit, sorry…” She apologized, quickly cleaning the surface. They were in their apartment, Monday was just starting and it was their day off. Usually it was one of the calmer days, where they got time to do activities together, buy groceries, do each other’s manicures, or watch a movie. But this morning she wasn’t feeling well again, and it’d been like that for days. 

“It’s okay,” her friend said with a calm tone, her eyes fixed on her and Trixie could feel them. “But you’re not okay, and I can see that. Don’t think that you can fool me, missy.” There was no pressure in her words, only worry. 

The Midwestern sighed and nodded. “I’m not okay.” Since that last Saturday, she had been feeling like shit about how that talk with Katya turned out. It was a disaster. Trixie cried her misery that night on her bed. Her first try to fix everything was a total failure and she only could blame herself for it.

“I can see that, and I’ve been trying not to ask, so I wouldn't be that intrusive with your personal problems, but after all, I’m your friend. I see that you’re in pain, and I just can't sit here and watch you suffer on your own,” Jaida commented, reaching her hand over the table and squeezing it warmly.

Her friend was right. She just wanted to help, but what if telling her the whole truth was a mistake? What if her friend treated her differently after it? The brunette didn’t know about her love for women, and not only was it hard to come out to her but, telling her what she did to Katya. 

However, Jaida was an amazing person, she couldn't hide it from her just because she would think the worst of her. “Okay I'll tell you…” She took a deep breath, not really knowing how to start this conversation. Jaida, meanwhile, had her whole attention on her. “It’s a long story though”

“I have all day,” her friend smiled at her, her gaze serene, and that made her feel at ease.

“Remember the friend that I was going to meet last Saturday?”

“Yeah, what’s wrong with her?”

“Well, we used to go to high school together. We had a big fight and she got expelled because of me. And I still feel guilty about it..” Trixie looked down in shame, fidgeting with her fingers. 

“But what happened? What did you do?” Jaida questioned with patience, later sipping on her coffee.

“Something that’s not easy to forgive…” Again the Midwestern was hesitating, second guessing if she was ready to tell her. 

“Did you steal a dress from her?” The brunette tried, with a comical tone, to ease her.

“No.”

“Did you kill her whole family?”

“No,” Trixie snorted at the exaggerated suggestion that her friend made. 

“And then what can be worse than that?” 

“It’s not that easy to explain… W-We...” Fuck this was hard, the last time that she said at loud that she was lesbian, was with Katya, back in high school. 

“Trixie, just say it. It’s okay!” She didn’t know what her friend meant by that, but after all, it made her continue. 

“We weren’t friends… We were… Uh-” She was vacillating again, acting like a kid that had done something wrong. 

“Oh…” Her friend's mouth opened round like an ‘o’, taken aback by that. Then, her eyes widened, like at first she hadn’t gotten what Trixie was suggesting “OHH!” 

“Yeah...” The blonde, cleared her throat.

Seconds later, it seemed that Jaida finally registered what she confessed. “Oh my god this is so dramatic, I need to know what happened!”

The midwestern, frowned. “Wait a minute, you’re not upset about it?” She asked, surprised. 

“No, why would I be? Just because you like girls? That’s dumb. Nothing changed, you’re still my friend!” 

Trixie felt like she could breathe now, she was so glad about how her friend had reacted to it. It wasn’t easy to find that kind of understanding. “I-Thanks Jaida.” She even felt that her bond could grow even more now, since that was the only thing that the brunette didn’t know about her.

“Why are you thanking me? It’s not necessary, don’t be silly girl. In fact, thanks for being brave and telling me this… But now, tell me all about it.” The blonde felt moved by her attitude and also safe. 

“Sure. Well, I changed schools in the last year. My mother sent me to this catholic boarding school, outside of Chicago, you might know it… Woodlands Academy of the Sacred Heart?” She started her story. 

“Oh wow, yes! That’s a fancy school. I didn’t know your family was rich...”

“They weren’t, I was accepted thanks to a scholarship, since my grades were pretty good.”

“Wow that’s really impressive!” The brunette said sincerely. 

“Thanks. Well, as I was saying, this girl, Katya, was my roommate. We became friends quickly, she was really lovely, funny and kind to me. We were together all the time, and for the first time in my life I felt like I was seen by someone. She was so different from all of the girls that I knew, and she was unapologetically herself. Weird and quirky, and so hilarious, Jaida, you have no idea.” When she looked at her friend she had a sweet smile on her face.

“It seems you were really in love with her, huh? I can just feel it, the way you talk about her…” 

“Well, yes I really fell in love with her. But I’ve never had the opportunity to tell her”

“Oh that’s unfortunate… Why?”

“Everything happened so fast, and I was really careful about it, I remember I was planning on telling her soon, but that day arrived and ruined everything,” she said, her gaze lowering to her own hands.

“Okay, so... What happened between you two?”

“One day we were taking these books to the library, and since we were alone, we started to uh… kiss. When we were about to leave, the Principal, who was a nun, caught us.”

“Oh no, that’s so awful. I feel for you two…”

“At that moment, I thought that it couldn't get any worse. But I was wrong. When she caught us, she told me that I should forget about going to college and that my parents were going to find out…”

“What a bitch!” Jaida said with all honesty, and Trixie agreed, nodding.

“I know, so as can you imagine, I was so scared that I… Fuck, I still find it hard to say…I put all the blame in Katya.” 

“What?” Jaida's eyes were wide, taking her by surprise.

“Yeah, I know. That’s what happened and she got so mad at me, since she was expelled and I wasn’t. I threw her under the fire and she had to deal with it on her own. I still can’t forget her gaze from that day, it was filled with pain and anger.”

“I can understand her, and I also can understand you… You were trying to protect yourself.” Jaida said, stating her opinion. 

“Yes, but still, it was all in vain. I didn’t get into college, so that obviously made me feel even worse about what I did. I lost my opportunity to stay by her side. Now can you understand why I was so nervous to see her?”

“I can totally understand. But tell me, what happened when you met her?” 

“It was bad, really bad. Remember that I thought that maybe she might have forgotten about it?”

“Yeah”

“Well she didn’t, I felt her so distant and cold. It was a different Katya, she never smiled. Not even once.” It was awkward now that she thought about it, the Russian never looked like she was comfortable and she seemed hesitant to be there. Trixie didn't realize it at the moment, being too absorbed in seeing her again. In fact, she couldn't stop gazing at her blue eyes, her cute haircut, her cherry lips… 

“I mean, now that I know everything, I can probably understand why she is still mad. But did you talk about the issue?”

“Actually, I started talking about ourselves, and our lives but I did all of that just to catch up and so we could both feel comfortable and it was the worst idea I had, since that made her mad. She got angry that I didn’t talk about what we should have talked about. She even said that she didn’t care about connecting with me again, and that I… Shouldn't call her ever again.” Her lips trembled when she said that last sentence, barely holding her tears, which made her friend stand up and hug her for a moment. When the hug ended, Jaida tried to comfort her.

“I’m so sorry Trixie, I’m sure she didn’t mean it. I mean, I don’t know her but I can guess that she’s still hurt and maybe she said that out of anger…” Her friend tried to reason with her. 

“Maybe, but what if she really doesn’t want to see me anymore? I was just trying to fix things and I made it even worse.”

“But it wasn’t on purpose, and I really think that she should give you an opportunity to speak, and tell her your truth. You were young when everything happened, and people make mistakes. Trixie, you’re a great person and you deserve to be happy. Things might not be the same with her, but at least if you find a way to talk to her, you can let go all of this guilt that’s inside of you.” Those words made her feel a little bit more calmer in that moment, her friend could have a point. Maybe there were still chances to repair the damage that she had done. 

“Thanks Jaida, that’s what I wish. I had so many sleepless nights, thinking about her and what I’ve done… I’ve been waiting for this moment so I could mend it all.”

“You will, and I’ll try to help you as much as I can. Maybe we can come up with an idea.” The brunette had a mischievous smile on her face, who knew what plans she had.

  
  


**1960**

“If you’re going to stay young lady, there’s a few things you have to do,” the principal said, gazing seriously at the Midwestern. 

Trixie was done with this. She just wanted to see Katya, but instead she was stuck here, in Sister Mary’s office. The girl had a few dried tears in her face, from all the crying that day. 

All that she could think about was what Katya said just a few moments ago: “ _ Don’t talk to me again!”.  _ Her face, that was usually smiling brightly for her, this time had hurt written all over her. She had to do something, Katya had to listen to her. 

“Beatrice! I’m talking to you!”

“Yes, what do I have to do?” She was barely paying attention to anything that she said.

“First of all, you’re not going to have another roommate for the rest of the year. Secondly, you’re not going to tell the other students what happened between you and Yekaterina. If you ever say the truth, you’ll be expelled. I already have a story that you can tell to them…” She had to play the game and go along with it, so Trixie nodded. 

She just wanted to get out of here, and when Sister Mary ended her rant, and she was finally dismissed, she stood up and left the room. As soon as she closed that door, she started running, heading towards their bedroom. 

Those halls were so long that it seemed that she was never going to reach the shared room. When she got there, heaving and desperate, she opened the door rapidly. Katya was gone, and Trixie started panicking. When she checked on her stuff all of her belongings were gone. 

There was a last hope. Maybe she was still at the school. Quickly she left the room, starting to look for her around the institution. Thankfully all of their classmates were at the church, in the middle of a mass. No one was a witness of what had happened. That’s when she realized that maybe that was why the other nun had found them, searching for them in the Library so they would go to the ceremony. 

As the search continued, she was getting desperate. When she didn’t find her in the theater, she wondered where else she could be. It was literally impossible for her to have gone so quickly. Then, as she was going back to the administrative area, again where Sister Mary’s office was, she saw a couple entering the school. Both of them looked somehow familiar until she realized that they were Katya’s parents. 

A light of hope awoke inside of her, guessing that the Russian was still in the property. But as soon as she was about to turn the corner, following Katya’s parents, Sister Diane, the oldest one of all the nuns - and also Sister Mary’s right hand - told her to stop. 

“But why?” Trixie asked immediately, desperately. 

“You’re not allowed to see Yekaterina, you’re going to the library with me and you’ll wait there until she’s gone,” the nun declared with a poker face, almost without any emotion in her voice.

“Please Sister, please let me talk to her,” she begged, hoping that there was some compassion in the woman. 

“No, you’re coming with me!” Then the older woman took her by the wrist and escorted her, as she had said, to the library. The Midwestern was desperate to get close to the blonde, the girl that she loved. If she didn’t do anything else, she was going to leave with the worst impression ever. If only she could know that she was mortified about what she said, that she would do anything to take those words back, that it was a huge mistake, that she was so in love with her, that she was willing to escape with her and live freely in a place without any judgment, any rule, any hatred.

Soon she was in that huge room that in so many moments she loved, but now it was just only a place that held a negative connotation. The nun closed the door and locked it, staring at Trixie with cold eyes and leaving her alone in that place. 

Her instinct was to escape but there was no way of going out of there. Her gaze landed on the windows, and that’s what she approached. When she got in front of one, she realized how impossible it could be to open it, so she was giving up. 

_ One, two, three… _

A sob escaped from her, a genuine one, filled with regret and frustration. It was just a matter of seconds to realize that she was crying uncontrollably, as she stood in front of that glass.

When her tears were subsiding, she looked with more attention outside and the realization came: there’s a blue Cadillac outside. She guessed that it was Katya’s parents' car. Literally it was the only one that was parked in front of the building. Since the Library was on the first floor, she had a good view and actually, the car was pretty close to her, maybe eight or ten yards away from her.

So she waited, who knows how long, probably half an hour, and Katya came out. She couldn't see her properly, since she had her head hung low as she carried her suitcase. Her parents had a severe look on their face and she could imagine why, that fucking nun. 

As they got closer to the car, she got more desperate. “Katya, Katya, Katya!” She banged on the window with her hands, making noise so she would look at her, but to her dismay, she didn’t hear her. However her mother did, sending a cold look at Trixie, who felt even threatened by it. But that wouldn't stop her. 

“Katya, baby look at me!” She tried to cry at her, to even shout, anything that could help. Not even a glance, nothing. When she closed the door of her car, she felt a pang in her chest. 

When she least expected, the car was driving away from her sight and she could feel how her legs shook, distressed at seeing her go.

She didn't realize that she wasn't alone. “You should go back to your room, Beatrice” Suddenly the Principal said. A long sigh came out from her lips, as the tears kept falling, and she nodded. 

There was no reason to keep fighting or causing a scene to the older woman. It was all done. Katya left and there was no way she’d come back. So, she obeyed, heading towards her room. 

At that time, the students were heading out to eat dinner - as they always did after the mass- , so Bianca, Violet and Adore met her. 

“Trixie, have you seen Katya?” Violet first asked and then, she might have realized that she wasn’t okay at all and then asked: “Wait, are you okay? What happened?” 

“I-I’m not okay… Katya was expelled.” She didn’t dwell that much and she directly told them.

“What?!” The three of them asked, scandalized. Trixie couldn't look at them in the face, she just stared at the floor. 

“She was caught smoking so… Uh sister Mary called her parents and now she just left.” She told them the version that the nun had told her to say. 

“Oh my god, that fucking witch!” Violet was protesting, her voice sounded so upset and mad. Typical of her.

“But how did that happen? Where did she catch her?” Adore started asking and she wasn’t in the mood for explaining anything. 

“I don’t know girls, I really don’t want to talk about it, I need to be alone.” She avoided them, heading again to her room.

“But Trixie!” Violet again chimed in and Bianca thankfully stopped her. 

“Girls, lets give her a break, I’m sure there’s an explanation.”

Rapidly she closed herself in that small space, just to be alone with herself. She wanted to disappear, to be anywhere else but here. If only she could see her again, to hug her and plead her forgiveness. To be in her arms, without any restrictions or fear of just existing together. 

**1966**

Katya sighed as she went inside her apartment. She knew that meeting up with Trixie was a bad idea, but of course her dumb brain had to be caught off guard and say yes. The Russian couldn’t wait to call Bianca and let her know how wrong she was, this didn’t help her move on, it just made her grow angrier every time Trixie opened her mouth.

The blonde grabbed the phone from the wall and dialed her friend’s number, as she waited for Bianca to pick up she walked towards the cabinets to grab a pot to start cooking. She was starving. 

“Hello?” Her friend said from the other side of the line.

“Ding dong, you were wrong,” Katya sang without even saying hello back.

“Well, that’s new! Are you sure?” 

“Yes, she didn’t want to apologise, she just wanted to act like nothing happened,” Katya complained, filling the pot with water. “I’m not going to just forget about everything just because she was wearing a yellow dress that made her boobs look amazing.”

“So you’re telling me that you finally saw Trixie and after all these years and the first thing you do is stare at her boobs?” Bianca asked laughing.

“Ugh, not the point,” Katya groaned. “She just sat there and talked about her job and asked about me like it was a fucking first date.”

“And it wasn’t?”

“Bianca…”

“Sorry, I’ll behave I promise,” the brunette apologized. “Tell me everything, I won’t interrupt.”

“When I got to the café she was already there, we said hello... It was super awkward, B,” Katya started relating to her friend trying not to screw up the dinner. “And I thought the best course of action would be for her to apologise, I don’t ask for much, do I? Am I crazy? This is the part where you say I’m right, B.”

“I said I wasn’t going to interrupt,” Bianca pointed out, making her friend sigh. “I’m not giving my opinion until I have all the facts.”

“Well, she didn’t apologise, obviously,” Katya said going back to chopping onions. “She just asked me about my job, and how long have I been in Chicago as if I had any chance of leaving after high school. And then… The fucking icing on the fucking cake, B...” Katya said as she felt the anger bubble inside her. “Do you know what she said?  _ ‘ _ _ I would never have guessed you’d become a teacher _ _ ’  _ like that was some sort of lifelong secret dream I had!”

“Ha! Can you imagine? I think you were high when you took that job.” Bianca laughed

“I wasn’t high, just desperate to get out of my parent’s house,” Katya sighed. “I couldn’t stand another weird date set up by my parents with some guy from their church.”

“But they were such a catch!” Bianca mocked her “How can we forget young Robert, on his way to be a CEO, also known as an underpaid intern, who spent half his salary on weed?”

“He didn’t spend his salary on weed, he sold weed, remember?” Katya corrected her while washing some of the dishes she had gotten dirty while cooking. “The look on my mother’s face! I still find it surprising how she found a way to put the blame on me, when we only saw each other once!”

“Well, you are the devil’s child, so it’s understandable that your mom thinks you had some overpowering force over him after one conversation.”

“Anyways,” Katya said, going back on track, “I was waiting for her to say something, anything about what happened, but not a word.”

“And then I imagine you very calmly told her that you were hurt by her actions.”

“Exactly.”

Both stayed silent for a few seconds, knowing damn well Katya was lying.

“You snapped didn’t you?” 

“Yes, but in my defense she really looked like she had forgotten about it or something,” Katya said defensively. “She was so calm and happy to be there that it made me uncomfortable, because if she was calm it meant that what was for me probably one of the worst moments of my life, for her it was just another day!”

“I don’t think that’s the case, Kat,” Bianca tried to reason with her. “Maybe the happiness of seeing you was bigger than the nervousness.”

“Oh, come on, B!” Katya exclaimed, rolling her eyes. “Either way you can’t just ignore the issue. She knows it hurt me, that I got fucking expelled for it, fucked up my future and all, and not even a simple  _ ‘Hey Katya, I’m sorry I threw you under the bus back then, that was a bitchy thing to do, wasn’t it?’  _ I’m not asking for a lot, just an apology, two fucking words!”

“Well…”

“That’s not even the worst part,” Katya interrupted her. “She even had the audacity of saying it was hard for her as well, you know what? Fuck that, I sure hope it was hard for her. But even if it was, she wasn’t the one who got expelled, she wasn’t the one whose parents would look at her like she was a monster, she wasn’t the one having to endure years and years of her mother barely speaking to her. I’ll be damned before she gets to play the victim here, she screwed me over without hesitation.”

“You sound mad.”

“I am mad!”

“Well, last I remembered Trixie was a smart girl, figured she would have some emotional intelligence as well.”

“Like I said, you were wrong,” Katya said, opening a bottle of wine and pouring a glass for herself.

“I’m not used to being wrong,” Bianca said. Katya could practically see her frown. “I’m sure there’s more to it and she’ll apologise, bouquet of roses and all.” 

“I fucking hope she does so I can kindly decline”

“Katya…” Bianca said but the Russian interrupted her.

“I’m done with this subject,” she said, throwing her hands in the air as if her friend could see it. “I’m so over Trixie Mattel and everything that surrounds her”

“Yeah I can tell…” Bianca chuckled.

“What is that supposed to mean?” 

“Nothing, Kat, nothing at all...” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope everyone enjoyed this chapter! Thank you [galaxybrunost505](https://archiveofourown.org/users/galaxybrunost505/pseuds/galaxybrunost505) as always for helping this dummies. <3  
> Leave kudos or my cat would die soon lol 
> 
> [Playlist of the fic](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/6XpABkKAS2ZUnRwR2RsmgU?si=lM4xjhGmTwupTAbE7znkqg)

**Author's Note:**

> I hope everyone enjoyed it! Let us know what you think in the comments!  
> You can find us on Tumblr:  
> [Zamo-95](https://zamo-95.tumblr.com/)  
> [Fedu](https://fedu31.tumblr.com/)


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